the eyes on his tattoos, the ones that managed to crawl their way out from his clothing. His knuckles: EWMN. What does that mean? I’d asked him a few nights before, lying on the baby mattress, him trying to play footsie and me shifting away from him. Evil, Wicked, Mean, Nasty, he’d said. I’d waited to see if he would explain. When he didn’t, I said, “You’re not those things.” I meant it like an insult. He’d shrugged. He barely understood himself, I could see.
A few people looked up at us from their Bibles, side-eyed and fearful. We had all become weird other versions of ourselves in the drought. The Body was nervous, thirsty. Dying, probably, from a diet of straight soda.
Denay came in with her parents, wearing a dress made from a sheet, stapled at the shoulders. Her face was full and round, her cheeks a rush of pink.
“What’s this?” she said to me, eyes on the lanky man at my side. I had noticed that Stringy hunched his shoulders when he was uncomfortable, and he did that now, sort of turned into me. Pushed the sunglasses higher on his nose.
“My husband,” I told her. “Father of my growing babe.” I patted my stomach under my tight white tank top. “Here to make things right.”
She looked me up and down slowly. “And he’s the true daddy under the eyes of God?” She leaned into me over the back of the pew, a light embrace. She whispered, “And you expect anyone to believe that?”
“More believable than a white light in the middle of the night.”
Denay laughed. “Not around here.”
Vern emerged from the back. The boys were on folding chairs on the stage, Lyle in the center. Vern turned a few times, letting his blue robe fan out from him like he was about to perform a magic trick.
“Vibe’s all wrong,” Stringy said, sinking low in his seat, his eyes narrowed on Vern. He shivered a bit and crossed and uncrossed his legs.
“He’s saved this town once and he’ll do it again,” Cherry snapped.
“Church,” Vern addressed. “The work you’ve been doing is transforming us. I see it in the air. I can feel your intensity. Who’s hard into their assignments?”
The Body shouted, raising their open hands. It seemed in the past months the numbers had been pruned—only half the pews were filled now.
Stringy leaned forward, long fingers drumming his knees, suddenly interested. I imagined both of my worlds combining. What if Stringy was truly converted that night in the bathtub, what if we became a real family today at church?
“Any announcements from the Body?” Vern said.
Cherry stood and pulled me and Stringy up by our hands. “Married! These two, I married them myself under God’s holy watch after converting his damned soul! Add another to the army!”
She smiled wide, expecting a cheer to rise but only blank stares blinked back at her.
“We’re having a baby,” I said as loud as I could.
The Body murmured low, looked around. A young mother pulled her toddler daughter into her skirt and glued her eyes to the top of the girl’s sweet head. Lyle stood up in a bolt and then sat down. His cheeks flamed.
But Vern was unruffled. He placed his hands together as if in prayer and bowed at us. I was holding my breath, waiting for something, but he went into the rest of the sermon, a blur of terror, locust-eaten plants and flooded valleys and parched lands like ours where the people died on their long walks to watering holes. That could be us, he kept saying. Is that what we wanted?
“I need to know who I can trust,” he said. “Who can I look at and be sure?”
The Body stretched their hands forward. Me. Me.
“I should be able to hand each of you a shotgun and tell you to shoot your own self in the skull and you should do it without a moment’s hesitation. You should feel that certain that I am your leader.”
Cherry hooted and clapped. “Shoot me, Pastor Vern!” she cried.
I thought back to the early fall when all of us girls had vomited like a team against the church, the smells overpowering us. I felt a skittish relief to have removed myself from that group. To be able to watch them now from afar. But next to that relief, a familiar voice of doubt crept in, wondering if I was giving up the best thing that had ever happened to me. Was this how it felt