out I was pregnant with Florin I cried my eyes out in terror but that same day I bought the cutest little onesie at the Baby Depot. Carried it around in my purse like a nut.”
I wanted to tell them about Lyle then, and how Vern thought these babies would prove our worthiness to God, how they would restore the kingdom and rain would fall like gold. But I liked being with them in their space, having them think I was just an uncareful teenager, a commonplace idiot like Dezi. If they knew everything they might not want to be near me, and I couldn’t deal with that.
“I have a man anyhow,” I said. “Father of the baby wants to be around.”
“Oh?” she said, her eyebrows raised. “And who’s this?”
“He’s a famous lawn painter. He’s also in a band.”
They exchanged a glance between them, one that made me feel small and strange, like they were one thing and I was another.
“Think what you want,” I said. “It’s my body, just like you said.”
What I didn’t say was that the real reason I wouldn’t get rid of the baby was because I had begun to think myself a mother, even if it was foolish, and I would do all I could to not be a leaver. I would do anything if it meant I would not become like my mother, even if it was hard. Even if it killed me.
AFTER MY SHIFT I walked out to the road and crouched in the canal. I couldn’t wait any longer on my plan. I had to get a marriage going now before any more cells multiplied. Before I started showing for real. I texted Stringy. Pick me up? At the south end of the canal? I pressed SEND. God, if you don’t want this to happen, then create a storm to stop it. Don’t let him answer. Reveal another way.
But the roar of the Central Valley Cali Lawn Painting truck came down the road a few minutes later and I pulled myself up. Stringy slowed down next to me but didn’t stop all the way. He opened the door from the inside and I ran and grabbed his hand and he pulled me in like we were escapees, bank robbers, villains.
He had a wad of Big Red chewing gum in his mouth and he handed the pack to me. The inside of the truck smelled like cigarettes. The gum burned and made my mouth water, made me want to grind my teeth together.
“We’re going somewhere we can be free and easy,” he said. “Young and in love.” He laughed loud and open, eyes on the road.
Love. There was that word that had gotten my mother in so much trouble. Love. I pressed my back into the seat and the truck crossed me over an invisible line toward free and easy. I may as well have waved goodbye to God right then.
He drank from a can of Four Loko between his knees and winked. “At night, Tent City parties hard.”
“I thought it was just a dump.”
“It’s so much more than that, honey.”
We pulled off the main road down a small side lane until it opened to a clearing with a dozen lifted trucks with huge CEN-CAL stickers on their back windows. The trucks formed a circle around the mob of his friends, thick-necked angry-looking men in a uniform of facial sores and tight black shirts that said TAP OUT and AFFLICTION and black star tattoos racing up the muscled meat of their arms. He put his arm around me as we walked up to them. Their names were Jason or Jay. One was just called Dog. One was Big Country. Dog handed us two full red cups. “You’ve never been drunk before,” Stringy said, like he was reading my fortune.
But he was wrong. Sapphire Earrings had let me sip his beers. We would sit on the couch watching Married . . . with Children together some nights and he would pass me the can without looking at me and I would drink a long spell and pass it back. This would go on for some time. I would feel light and lighter with each sip and then I would sleep sleep sleep. I didn’t tell Stringy about it. Couldn’t tell Stringy it wasn’t right for a woman with child to be drinking anyhow. There wasn’t supposed to be a baby—not yet, at least.
He put the cup up to my lips. “I’ve heard God himself