did not want my emotions to be laid bare to Ashington. He did not need to know how he had hurt me. It was done.
Ashington paused for a moment and stared at me as if he did not believe the words I was saying. I held my head high and my shoulders back. He may not think I was worthy enough to be his countess, but his brother did find worth in me. I would be a good wife and the incredulous look in Lord Ashington’s eyes would not break me. I would not allow it to. He couldn’t hurt me anymore.
“Nicholas accepts me for who I am,” I said, needing to remind myself possibly more than anything. “He wants me. Nothing more.”
Ashington continued to stare at me as if my words made no sense to him or if he could not believe what he was hearing. My chest felt as if it may explode from the pain I had said he could no longer cause me. I had been wrong. It appeared Lord Ashington could, indeed, cause me great pain with saying very few words or no words at all.
A deep breath was something that had become difficult to do under the duress of the breaking of my heart once again. At least that is what it felt was happening. Something utterly horrific inside me was exploding and I feared I may not survive it.
In that moment, an arm came around me and I heard Nicholas speak, but I wasn’t sure exactly what it was he said. Then we were walking, he and I. We were leaving the ballroom or perhaps the house. I did not know for sure. I was just relieved that I was being taken away from the crowd, the noise, from… Ashington’s eyes so full of disbelief.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him,” I said.
“He was going to find out eventually,” Nicholas replied.
“But perhaps it shouldn’t have been here, me, in that moment,” I said the words as I thought them.
“I do happen to agree with her. I don’t think that was the best idea,” Aunt Harriet said, and I then realized she was following us.
“Are we leaving?” I asked, then realizing we had indeed walked out the front entry way.
“Yes, I think tonight we have given the ton quite enough to talk about. Don’t you?” Nicholas said with a smile that did not meet his eyes.
“We did?” I asked.
Nicholas brushed my cheek with the back of his hand. “More so than they’ve had in years.”
There were so many things I should have been concerned with in that moment. Ashington was not one of them… yet he was there in my thoughts, crowding out all others.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Earl of Ashington
When the door to 18 Mayfair opened, I did not even know the time. For I had not slept all night. I had spent most of it pacing the floor. There was no well laid plan or thought through speech I had come here to give. I had simply been unable to stay away any longer. There were few things that I was absolutely certain of in this life. Right now, I faced losing one of those things because I knew without a doubt that I was in love with Miriam Bathurst and there would never be another woman I loved as deeply as I did her.
“Lord Ashington,” the butler began, but I did not wait to be sent away until later when the family was ready for visitors. I could not wait any longer.
“I am very sorry,” I said as I walked past the man and into the foyer.
“Lord Ashington, if you will wait here, I will go get Lord Wellington. He is having breakfast but-”
“That won’t be necessary,” I replied. “Where is Miss Bathurst?” I asked.
“She isn’t awake-”
“Yes, I am,” she interrupted.
I spun around to see her standing on the third stair from the floor dressed in a morning gown, looking as if she were a gift from God if I, in fact, believed in a higher being. She did not appear well-rested and the weariness in her eyes made me want to gather her in my arms and hold her and protect her. The emotions churning within me were so out of control with my sleep-deprived brain I was not sure I could trust myself to take one step in her direction.
“Lord Ashington,” she said then. “How can I help you?”
“You can’t marry Nicholas,” I blurted out. There were no eloquent words or proclamations of