nobody’s obligated to come out. That’s like, ground rules 101,” he said as everyone in the group nodded. “And nobody’s obligated to stay a hundred percent in the closet, either. Some people think we should do that.” He waved a hand up and down himself and grinned. “Obviously not me… but I struggled a bit with it.”
Henry stirred his coffee with his straw, the ice cubes gently clunking against the sides of the cup. “Yeah?”
“I moved, way far away from my whole family and everything. Threw out everything even remotely girly. Made a fresh start. Then I… I don’t know. I got curious. Started buying just a few makeup things, but I was too scared to wear them. Then I met a guy,” Nic said with a grin. “Kyle’s way more femme than I am. Any day of the week. I stole these,” he plucked the suspenders with his thumb, “from his closet. He’s helped me get more comfortable in so many ways. But, man—end of the day, we only get one life. Do you, boo. It’s scary as shit, but the people who matter will stick around.”
As the other guys chimed in with agreement and snippets of their own stories, Henry nodded slowly.
Do me, he thought. Well, that’s not changing. They all know me. It’s not like I’m yearning to get more femme like Nic was. I’m just adding a little bit to my background story. Not editing it out.
Henry caught his breath. “Editing it out,” he repeated, but out loud this time. “That’s… how it’s felt to me. Not like I’m hiding it, but like I’m always watching myself.”
“Gender policing. That shit gets internalized,” Will said with a sage nod. His boyfriend, a sweet but quiet guy named Caleb, drew little shapes in the sand and nodded.
“Yeah. I just want to let go of watching myself all the time. Like it’s a pass/fail test,” Henry chuckled.
“Ugh, passing,” Mack muttered. “I mean, I’d say I pass pretty well, but even I hate it.”
“Well, I don’t.” Will’s voice was sharp. “And I wish I could, but…”
Henry felt a twist of guilt in his stomach. I did, up until I decided not to. He bit his lip. But what sounded like an escape to some of them had become his cage, and there was no way he could explain that.
As a couple of the guys shifted uncomfortably, Nic interjected gently, “We don’t compare passability in this group. That’s something we can too easily use to hurt ourselves and each other.”
Henry cleared his throat. “Sorry. I think I started that one. But I guess I just want to hear that it’s okay to stop trying so hard.” Oof, he thought. As he said it out loud, the tension in his shoulders drained and his chest eased. “Wow. Yeah. It is okay.”
That was something they could all agree with. Nods and murmurs swept through the group.
“So it’s coming out at work you’re worried about?” Nic asked.
Henry nodded. “My boss is gay-friendly, but I think that’s where he draws the line.” The looks of recognition on people’s faces made him relax even more. He wasn’t crazy or imagining it. Accepting one part of the rainbow meant jack-shit about whether they’d accept all of Henry.
“Is it something where you can find another job easily, or…?” Nic trailed off.
Henry nodded. “I’ve actually wanted to start my own outfit for a while. So I stuck with this one cause their health insurance was pretty good for surgeries. Well, I’m all done with those… I’ve got the co-pay loans to pay off, but I’m nearly there.”
“That’s awesome.” Jake practically sparkled as he grinned at him. “Congrats.”
“Thanks.” Henry tried to brush it off, not wanting anyone else to feel that deep-rooted envy he’d once felt reading people’s stories online—the gut-twisting, sleepless nights he didn’t miss one tiny bit. “But yeah, I’ve wanted to start a regular event for taking trans people hiking or camping or something. Like a trans summer camp.”
He nearly fell backward in the sand at the excitement that was met with.
“Trans summer camp!” Will took off his sunglasses and gestured with them. “Hell yes. Dude, you have no idea how much I wanna swim around people who won’t stare at my chest.”
There were nods and emphatic sounds of agreement. “And like, learn to do stuff outdoors,” said Mack.
“Have someone to hike with who gets why I’m winded and stops with me when I need it,” Pat said.
Jake interjected, “Bathroom. Breaks.”
“Oh my God, yes.”
Henry’s head whirled as