she’s in my head.
Don’t go there, Grey.
She’s history.
Let’s just enjoy this.
I dip Ana again, then kiss her when she’s upright once more.
“I’d miss your love,” she whispers, echoing the lyrics.
“I’d more than miss your love,” I respond, and sing the next few lines softly in her ear. The song fades and we stop moving, and just gaze at each other.
I watch as her pupils grow larger and darker.
It’s magic. Our special alchemy bubbling between us.
“Come to bed with me,” I beg her.
Her coy smile brightens her face, and she places her hand on my heart. Beneath my chest, it starts hammering with my love for her—my wife—a beautiful woman who knows how to forgive me.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Mommy is pretty today. She laughs as she sits on her bed. It is sunny and lots of little dots float in the air around her like she’s a princess. Hey, Maggot, brush my hair. I pull the brush through her long hair. It is hard for me because of tangles. But Mommy likes it. She sings. What’s love got to do, got to do with it. She smiles her special smile. It is her smile for me. Only me. She shakes her hair so it is silky down her back. I stroke it. It smells of clean. She splits it into three snakes. And then she ties them together to make one bumpy snake. There, it’s out of the way, Maggot. She picks up her hairbrush. And she brushes my hair. No! Mommy. It hurts. Too many tangles. Don’t fight, Maggot. No! Mommy. I try to make her stop. There is a loud noise. A crash. He’s back. No! Where the fuck are you, bitch? Got a friend here. A friend with dough. Mommy stands and takes my hand and pushes me into her closet. I sit on her shoes. I am quiet. Like a mouse. I cover my ears and close my eyes. If I am small he won’t see me. The clothes smell of Mommy. I like the smell. I like being here. Away from him. He is shouting. Where is the little fucking runt? He has my hair and he pulls me out of the closet. He waves the hairbrush at Mommy. Don’t want this little prick spoiling the party. He slaps Mommy hard on her face with her hairbrush. Put your fucking hooker heels on and make it good for my friend, then you get your fix, bitch. Mommy looks at me and she has tears. Don’t cry, Mommy. Another man comes into the room. A big man with dirty coveralls. Blue coveralls. The big man smiles at Mommy. I am pulled into the other room. He pushes me onto the floor and I hurt my knees. He waves the hairbrush at me. Now, what am I going to do with you, you piece of shit? He smells bad. He smells of beer and he is smoking a cigarette.
I wake suddenly, fear clawing at my throat.
Where am I?
Gasping, I suck precious air into my lungs and try to steady my racing heart. It takes me a moment to orient myself.
I’m on the Fair Lady. With my fair lady. I look frantically to my right, and Ana is fast asleep in the shadows beside me.
Thank heavens.
I’m immediately calmed, just by the sight of her.
I take a deep, cleansing breath.
Why am I having nightmares?
Arguing with Ana?
I hate fighting with her.
Judging by the light that’s seeping through the curtains over the portholes, it’s early dawn. I should sleep some more. I cuddle up to Ana, and put my arm around her, breathing in her unique calming fragrance…and I drift.
It’s much lighter in the cabin when I wake later, with Ana still slumbering beside me. I watch her for a few moments, enjoying this quiet time.
Will she ever really know what she means to me?
I kiss her hair, get up, and slip on a pair of swim trunks. I’m going for a swim around the boat. Maybe I can shake the unease that lingers.
As I shave, I’m still rattled by my nightmare.
Why? I don’t get it.
I’ve had these dreams before.
Why am I so hung up on this one, now?
The bathroom door opens and Ana stands before me, a ray of light, and I mute my dark thoughts. “Good morning, Mrs. Grey.” I welcome her with a cheery smile.
“Good morning yourself.” She grins and leans against the wall, raising her chin, imitating me as I shave under my jaw. From the corner of