to call my girlfriend, but I don’t have one, so I thought I’d call you, since you’re Leon’s girlfriend and that’s close enough. It was that or Rita from school, who I don’t think I ever technically broke up with.’
‘You’re rambling, Richie,’ I tell him. ‘What’s the matter? Is it nerves?’
‘“Nerves” makes me sound like I’m an old lady. It’s terror.’
‘That does sound better. More horror movie. Less fainting because your corset is too tight.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Is Gerty there?’
‘I can’t see her yet. She’s busy doing whatever lawyers do, anyway. I’m on my own now.’ His tone is light and self-deprecating, as always, but you don’t have to listen hard to hear the tremor in his voice.
‘You are not on your own,’ I tell him firmly. ‘You have all of us. And remember – when we first spoke you told me you’re coming to terms with being in prison. Well, that’s the worst-case scenario here. More of what you have already coped with.’
‘What if I vomit in the courtroom?’
‘Then someone will clear the room and call a cleaner, and you’ll pick up where you left off. It’s not exactly going to make the judges think you’re an armed robber, is it?’
He gives a strangled version of a chuckle. For a moment there is silence.
‘I don’t want to let Leon down,’ he says. ‘He’s got his hopes up so high. I don’t want— I can’t bear to let him down again. Last time was the worst thing. Honestly, it was the worst. Seeing his face.’
‘You have never let him down,’ I say. My heart is thumping. This is important. ‘He knows you didn’t do it. The . . . the system let you both down.’
‘I should have just taken it. Served my sentence and got out, and let him get on with his life in the meantime. All this – it’s only going to make everything worse for him.’
‘Leon was going to fight no matter what you did,’ I say. ‘He was never just going to let his little brother get picked on. If you’d given up, that would have hurt him.’
He takes a big, juddering breath, and lets it out again.
‘That’s good,’ I say. ‘Breathing. I hear that’s a good one for those with delicate nerves. Have you got any smelling salts?’
That gets another chuckle, a little less strangled this time.
‘Are you calling me a pussy?’ Richie asks.
‘I fully believe that you’re a very brave man,’ I tell him. ‘But yes. I’m calling you a pussy. In case that helps you remember how brave you are.’
‘Ah, you’re a good girl, Tiffy,’ Richie says.
‘I’m not a dog, Richie. And – now that you’re hopefully less green . . . Can we go back to how you just said “Leon’s girlfriend”?’
There’s a pause.
‘Not Leon’s girlfriend?’ he says.
‘Not yet,’ I tell him. ‘Well, I mean, we’ve not discussed that. We’ve only been on a few dates, technically.’
‘He’s mad about you,’ Richie says. ‘He might not say it out loud, but . . .’
I feel a twinge of anxiety. I’m crazy about Leon, too. I spend most of my waking hours thinking about him, and a few of the sleeping ones too. But . . . I don’t know. The idea of him wanting to be my boyfriend makes me feel so trapped.
I adjust my dress, wondering if I’m the one having the problem with corsets and nerves. I really like Leon. This is ridiculous. Objectively, I would like to call him my boyfriend, and introduce him to people as such. That’s what you always want when you’re crazy about someone. But . . .
What would Lucie say?
Well, she’d probably say nothing, to be honest. She’d just leave me to stew on the fact that this weird fear of getting trapped is almost certainly to do with the fact that I was in a relationship with a man who never really let me go.
‘Tiffy?’ Richie says. ‘I should probably get going.’
‘Oh, God, yes,’ I say, coming to my senses. I don’t know what I’m doing worrying about relationship labels when Richie is about to walk into court. ‘Good luck, Richie. I wish I could be there.’
‘Maybe see you on the other side,’ he says, voice trembling again. ‘And if not – look after Leon.’
This time, the request doesn’t sound strange. ‘I will,’ I tell him. ‘I promise.’
58
Leon
Hate this suit. Last wore it for court case number one, and then shoved it in wardrobe at Mam’s place, tempted to burn it like it was contaminated. Glad I