good work.’ Happy with my A-plus, I dress Shay and put him back in the crib.
Conor is sitting on the sofa. I wish he’d go back to his office and leave me on my own with the nurse now. I don’t want him listening to every word. He doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of everything my body is going through. What to do with the leaking boobs. How to make it less painful to go to the toilet. This is nothing to do with him, so I casually suggest he go back to the office if he has things to do.
‘I can take it from here.’ I say.
Conor takes the hint and leaves.
When all the regular stuff is covered by the nurse, she picks up her folder and stands.
‘Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?’
‘Er…’
‘Anything at all, Laura?’
‘Well, there is something.’
Elaine sits back down. ‘Go ahead.’
I don’t know whether to say what I want to. If she thinks I’m going mad she’ll be knocking down that door every day. But I need to know. I have to ask her.
‘The drugs they use…’
‘The drugs they use where?’ she says, shifting forward in her chair.
‘When someone is giving birth to their baby, the painkillers, the gas… all that stuff.’
‘What about it?’
I take a deep breath before looking her in the eye.
‘Can they make you hallucinate?’
Elaine moves her back into the chair and straightens her neck. ‘Can they make you hallucinate?’
‘Yes, like say… a day later.’
Her eyes have changed expression. Elaine does think I’m mad.
‘Are you having hallucinations, Laura?’
Looking away from her gaze, I consider what to say next. I’m sorry I opened my mouth, now that I’ve seen her expression. I’d better play this down. I don’t want her thinking I’m going mad, or have postnatal depression or something. Christ, what if she thinks I’m unstable? That Shay isn’t safe in my care?
‘No… I don’t think so. I just need to know if the drugs can do that,’ I say, trying to sound nonchalant.
Shaking her head, Elaine sighs. ‘Well I’ve never heard of that happening and no one’s ever asked me that before.’ Her hand is now on my knee. ‘People forget things alright but that’s the exhaustion. Seeing things—’ She stops short. ‘Laura, I’ll check it out for you, but I’m almost certain the answer will be no. I can’t imagine we’d be giving mothers drugs that would make them hallucinate. Do you know what drugs you were given?’
‘No, but…’ I point at the file leaning against her bag. ‘Won’t it be written in there somewhere?’
‘Actually, I don’t have your correct file yet. The internet is very poor in the clinic and it didn’t arrive in time.’ She nods at the folder. ‘That’s just a few notes I’ve taken… When your details arrive, I’ll update them and check out what drugs you were given. Meanwhile, if you think you’re having hallucinations, Laura, call the doctor. Don’t suffer in silence. Us women are great at that, thinking we can handle everything on our own. Don’t do that to yourself, get help.’
Shit. Now I’ve opened a can of worms. She’ll probably put it in the file that I was hallucinating. I’d better fix this.
‘It’s no big deal, Elaine. I was just wondering because I lost something that I thought I had and I guess the tiredness just made me a bit paranoid. Forget about it.’
Shay whimpers. Picking him up, I cradle him close to me and walk Elaine to the door. Conor comes out of the office to say goodbye.
‘I’ll be back in a few days but if you need me in the meantime, just call,’ she says, giving me a secret wink so Conor can’t see. If that’s supposed to make me feel better about asking her the question, it doesn’t. In fact, it makes me anxious. What have I started? What if she goes poking around and… what if they take Shay from me?
Chapter Eight
There is only one star tonight. One bright star shining down on me as I lie staring at the sky and all its questions. Apparently my father is up there. I don’t remember him. I was very young when he died. Mam showed us some photos of him in a dark overcoat crossing the bridge on O’Connell Street. He had a lovely smile and dark curly hair. Mam said that’s where I got my dark curly hair and green eyes from. Amanda’s hair is fair, just like mam’s.