a fit when Amanda wanted highlights in her hair for her confirmation day. Amanda insisted she was old enough but mam didn’t give in. She was strong like that. She had to be, raising the two of us on her own. It’s not like she had a sister of her own to help. Mam was an only child. She told us that when dad died, his family were great for the first few years, always calling to the house, making sure she was okay, that we were okay. But over the years that fizzled out until we only saw them at Christmas. Mam never complained about it. She said they had their own lives and worries to contend with.
* * *
The room is warm. By my side, Conor sleeps with his legs out over the duvet. He doesn’t snore. Not even after a few pints in the club – which he only ever goes for after a match. I’ve only known him a little over a year and so far he’s perfect. Just perfect. If he knew how imperfect I was would I be lying here now?
Amanda was in a restaurant with some clients when I called her earlier so I didn’t tell her about the card. That conversation is going to need her full concentration. I asked her to ring me tomorrow when she had time to talk.
The clock at my bedside says it’s two fifteen. Shay will wake soon and this time I’ll be ready. I’ll take him to the armchair, cuddle him close and feed him before he wakes his daddy. Conor deserves a decent sleep. He’s done almost everything so far: the cooking, the shopping, the midnight feed, the nappy changes – which I now feel safe leaving him to do on his own. He’s also kept my spirits high, smiling and laughing, constantly talking about Shay and how lucky he is to have us both.
There is a lot of fear floating on the surface of my thoughts tonight. Have I misled this man? Should I have told him? Yes, and yes. But I was scared of how he’d react. Afraid he would leave me and then I’d be stuck in that stupid apartment, with a new tenant in the spare room every year, going nowhere with a broken heart.
I loved him when we met. I still love him and, as Amanda pointed out, I deserved a break. A new start. Some happiness for a change.
The smallest gurgle ripples from the corner of the room. Shay is stirring. Pulling my feet from under the duvet, I stretch my arms in the air, then walk quietly over to the cot.
‘Hello, baby,’ I whisper. He’s staring up at me, wriggling below the soft white blanket that one of Maggie’s friends knitted for us. I’m very grateful for all the gifts that we’ve been given. The surprise baby shower that Amanda arranged brought more than enough clothes, blankets and bottles to keep us going. I was amazed by everyone’s kindness. Not so much for the stuff, more that they had come to the party. For a while, I felt accepted into their circle.
The party went on for hours, everyone playing silly games and everyone except me drinking prosecco. I didn’t drink of course, though I would have loved a glass before everyone arrived to calm my nerves. There were almost thirty people here. I’d never met some of them before but they knew Conor. Amanda had contacted Olive to invite everyone she thought might like to come. Amanda said Olive was very obliging and seemed happy to help. Which makes me wonder about her motives. Why was she so helpful? It should have been painful for Olive, considering she probably presumed she’d be the one with the bump. After dating Conor for five years she had to have felt hard done by when he dumped her to go out with me. And yet, she still works for him. His right hand apparently when it comes to the business. Going into the office and seeing him everyday must have been hard after the breakup. But she did it. Still does it. I hope she hasn’t been biding her time waiting for her opportunity to exact revenge. Could Olive have sent the card? When I first heard Conor’s ex worked so close to him, I wasn’t happy about it but Conor assured me what they had wasn’t love. He realized that when he met me. Olive is more like a sister