in error about a higher power and how this all truly works.
Another principle key was: Love one another. I am incapable of giving love to most people. I’ve explained that in a prior letter. I can see flaws in most individuals, ones they are not able to detect. I can also see the flaws in myself and they oftentimes sicken me. I only love a few, and that shows my true limitations. You are one of those people that I love, and so is your mother. I am very good at hate, however.
Still, hate was not doled out freely by me. That emotion holds entirely too much power to simply give away on a whim or for the most minor infraction. Hate was manifested from an open wound. I had my share. I hated my father and though he is dead as I write this, I still do. I refuse to go into every incident, not because he deserves protection or anonymity, but because regardless of how profound and horrendous, it was my experience – and some aspects of me and what I endured, I will be taking to my grave. I could not release that anger, just as you probably hate me too and struggle to release its hold on you as well.
It’s a disease. Hate eats us up from the inside out. But we own it. We get used to living with it, so it’s hard to let go, despite how toxic it is to our very existence. The next key was: Give generously. This one I am proud to say I accomplished. I often gave to the less fortunate and tried my best to help others financially if they appeared to be the sort that would make good on the investment. I didn’t give my money away frivolously, but I gave in private, discreetly.
The next key is to live simply. I sometimes did this, but most of the time, I did not. I wanted to enjoy the fruits of my labor.
I purchased a large mansion to isolate myself even further from others. In public, I was the life of the party – but that was just a façade. In actuality, I coveted my alone time and didn’t enjoy company in the least.
Be kind always? Another key. No. I couldn’t be kind, because to me, being truthful and being kind didn’t always co-exist. I chose the truth over kindness. Veracity trumps benevolence, and that is the only one from this list that I don’t regret. I have these seven keys as a reminder of what I should’ve aspired to be. They are what I WISHED I could have done. The doors I WISHED I could have opened. I had seven properties, my coffin included, which I wished for you to assess and take control of.
The farmland represented my desire to be open and free. I failed. The two apartment buildings represented me wishing I had a mate I could stick with, be with, never part from. A wife with whom I could reveal my true self, and she to me, and we’d survive. That wasn’t possible. I am not marriage material. The historic building with the bookstore represented what I loved most – to learn. To be around knowledge. I was determined to rent it to someone who planned to open a storefront that would provide an intellectual service to the community. The greenhouse and the two additional rental homes were aesthetically pleasing. Simple. My home wasn’t included because though I own it, it doesn’t represent me. It helped keep me away from me, in all actuality. It’s beautiful, but stiff. It stifles growth, suffocates it, despite being so massive, beautiful, and alluring. It’s a lie and an enigma. The walls hold secrets. Like me.
I found out recently that Sandra has been unable to speak after a bad car accident that occurred quite some time ago. This is heartbreaking. She had the most beautiful voice.
His mother hung her head, looking so pitiful and sad. He kept reading.
I couldn’t help but think, if I had done the honorable thing and married her, none of that would have happened. I regretted not marrying Sandra in the last few years of my life, as odd as that sounds. And despite knowing she and I often were like oil and water, even while in a relationship with other women, I’d fantasize about being back with your mother. She was the only woman who had a special way with me. She made me