As if Elle could read my thoughts, she gave me a little push. “How often will Steve Perry be in Hell?” she asked.
“Umm… never?” I guessed. “I have no clue what Astrid did to get him to come.”
“Then take advantage of it,” she urged with a laugh. “Exploit it. Do what you do best, my love.”
Damnit, she was right. If Steve Perry would just give me a shot, it would be the best womb eviction day present ever. “Mammy, are you opposed to me using your beans-n-franks as bait to catch my prey?”
“Go fer it,” Mammy said with a chuckle. “And if ya see Murry, tell him, I’m gettin’ a little tired and might hit the hay soon.”
“But you’ll stay here until I coerce Steve Perry into best friendship?” I asked.
“Roger that,” Mammy said.
“Go now,” Elle insisted. “He looks like he might be ready to leave.”
“On it,” I said as I conjured up a mirror to check myself out.
Gorgeous as always. I was a damned good-looking son of a bitch. It did not suck to be me.
“Mother, I don’t have time to chat,” I said as I made my way through the crowd toward my target.
“No worries,” she said as she fell into step beside me. “What are we doing?”
“We are doing nothing,” I snapped. “I am going to beg Steve Perry to be my best friend. The man has no clue what he’s missing.”
“I can help you,” she said. “I’ll tell him all sorts of favorable stories about you.”
“There are favorable stories?” I asked, stopping in my tracks and staring at her.
She scrunched her nose and paused for a moment. “No, but I can make them up. It shall be my gift to you for your birthday. I’ll consider it payback for lying to you about the date.”
I debated the merits of her plan for a second and then shrugged. It wasn’t the worst idea I’d ever heard. “Fine. Where’s Bill?”
“Your father is late. He’ll be here soon,” my mother promised. “There was a slight flood in Nirvana after the monkeys used the dishwashers and washing machines to clean their poo.”
“Is that a joke?” I asked with a wince.
“Sadly, no,” Mother Nature said with a wrinkled nose “Smells rancid. Your father promised he would fix it all up and then surprise you at the party.”
“Hope he changes his clothes,” I muttered, glancing around.
Shit. Steve Perry had moved. Had he left?
“Darling, you know, Gaia would be a fabulous name for the baby,” she said.
“Nope,” I replied, distracted by the need to find my hero. “Not going to happen. He’s a boy. And we’ve already chosen a name.”
“Okay,” my mother said trying again. “What about Gaia for his middle name?”
“I will not give my son a moniker that will get him an ass-kicking on the playground. Demons can be assholes. Am I clear?”
“Fine,” she said and then changed the subject. “Speaking of assholes, did you find the one trying to kill you?”
“No, it was a hoax,” I said reaching into my pocket and handing her the letter. “That or the fool changed her mind.”
As I got up on a chair to have a better sightline, I heard my mother gasp. Looking down, I noticed she was holding onto the chair to keep herself upright.
“What?” I snapped, torn between aiding my mother and finding Steve Perry.
My ridiculous conscience won out, and I hopped off the chair to check on my mother.
“What's wrong?” I questioned, noticing how pale she’d gone.
“Where’s Elle?” she hissed. “Where is the baby?”
“The same place they’ve been all night. On the Royal Podium,” I snapped, feeling a panic begin to surge through me.
“This letter is not about you. It’s not about your birthday,” she said as she began to glow, and her fingers began to spark.
“Explain yourself. Immediately,” I demanded.
“Listen to the words,” she said as she began to read. “Lord of Darkness, the day will never happen. The birth will go unrecognized. The end draws near for your latest folly and the hands of fate shall be empty. Heed these words and do not try to replace what already exists.”
“Fuck,” I roared as the real meaning of the letter hit me with a force that left me ready to destroy nations. “It’s about my son—his birth, not mine. The empty hands of Fate mean she will have no child to hold—not fucking cake. Someone is after my son. Over my dead body.”
“We have to get to them now,” my mother said as she literally