you’re having your monthly lady time. Your homicidal tendencies and manly appetite are quite normal according to my mother. As is the weight gain—which I find insanely sexy, by the way,” I finished, giving Astrid a look to kill.
“I’m not having my period,” Elle said.
I paled considerably and grabbed the edge of my desk for purchase. It was the absolute truth that I found her rounder body ridiculously desirable, but the need for stabbing? No. That was horrifying. If this was to become our normal, I would need to remove all sharp objects from the palace.
“You’re not?” I whispered.
“No,” Elle said as her eyes narrowed dangerously, and purple sparks popped and crackled around her body. “Why would you think that?”
It was my turn to look to Astrid for help. “Umm…”
“Both of you idiots need to sit down,” Astrid said with a sigh as she gently seated Elle on the couch and shoved me down next to her.
I really hoped Elle wasn’t armed.
“You’re pregnant,” Astrid announced.
“I am?” Elle asked, shocked.
“We are?” I echoed her.
Elle jumped to her feet and began to pace the office in a panic. I joined her.
“How did you not know?” Astrid asked as she made herself comfortable on the couch we’d just abandoned and watched us with what I could only call amusement.
“How would I know?” Elle shrieked, pulling a cookie from her pocket and shoving it in her mouth. “Until I banged Lucifer, I accidentally killed all the men I had sex with. I’m a Siren. I hadn’t had sex in thousands of years. I’ve never had a baby before.”
“Didn’t you feel anything moving in your stomach?” Astrid inquired carefully.
“I thought it was gas,” Elle yelled. “I’ve eaten a lot of beans-n-franks.”
“Okay,” Astrid said, biting back her grin. “Makes sense. Let’s talk through this. Cool?”
“Cool,” Elle gasped out, scanning the office in alarm. “Where did the rest of the cookies go?”
“I ate them,” I choked out, ready to dive for cover. I was still trying to absorb what Astrid had said. I needed my head on my shoulders to be able to think. Decapitation would be counterproductive.
“Please stab yourself, Lucifer,” Elle requested.
“My pleasure,” I replied, complying quickly. Grabbing a letter opener, I plunged it into my stomach. It was far less painful than a sword. Win-win.
“Astrid,” I said, grabbing a pair of scissors to be ahead of the game in case the letter opener wasn’t sufficient. “Are you sure about this?”
Astrid was enjoying herself far too much for my sanity. “Positive. Elle,” she said, intercepting my lover and pulling her back down onto the couch. “You’re Fate. You see the future. How did you not see this?”
“I can’t see my future—only the fate of others,” she shouted then started to cry again. “Oh my Hell, I’ve harmed our baby! I’ve eaten sugar and beans for a week straight. This child will have rotten teeth, gas, and brain damage.”
“Slow down,” Astrid said with a laugh. “First of all, babies are born without teeth.”
“They are?” Elle asked with relief. “I’ve never actually been around a real baby.”
“Umm… yes,” Astrid assured her. “And the baby will be fine.”
“For the love of everything illegal,” I roared as the reality of the miracle hit me. “I have to steal baby items immediately. Our toothless child shall be born on my womb eviction day. We have nothing ready. Astrid, cancel the party. According to Elle’s mother, her time—which I incorrectly thought meant a visit from Aunt Fucking Flow—is only a week. Elle will be busy evicting our child from her uterus on the morning of my special day. There is no way I’ll have the time to blackmail Steve Perry into being my best friend. I do know it’s shocking to admit… but my child is more important than Steve Perry.”
“Thank God for that,” Astrid muttered with an eye roll.
“My brother had absolutely nothing to do with this,” I snapped, texting Lizard and letting him know to send out the Demon Army to ransack all the baby supply stores on Earth. “I’m the one who knocked up my lover. God would never get that lucky.”
“Mmmkay,” Astrid said with a laugh. “I’ll cancel the party.”
“No. Wait,” Elle said as she hopped back up, ran to the office supply closet and pulled out a hidden stash of cookies. “Let me get this straight. A Siren is only pregnant for a week, and I’ll have our baby in the morning?”
“According to your mother, yes,” I said. “Of course, the information came from your mother through