mouth and retrieved his bat. “I do believe I have a solution for you on your catchphrase. It would guarantee that no one would think you could bang yourself.”
“You do?” I inquired with great interest. It was getting embarrassing to be called out for claiming I could have intercourse with myself.
“Yep,” he replied. “Shove a the in there and you’re safe.”
“And where exactly would I shove this the?”
“Before the word fucking,” Lizard explained.
I tried it out in my head. Lizard was brilliant. He had dreadful taste in women and clothing and was a fount of unnecessary knowledge, but he was also a genius.
“I’m the fucking Satan,” I said, trying out my new catchphrase. “I like it. I’d say thank you, but I’m not into that kind of thing.”
“No worries, my Dark Lord. I also have an idea who could help us find the jackhole who’s trying to ruin your womb expulsion day.”
“Eviction,” I corrected him, but expulsion had a nice ring to it.
“My bad,” Lizard said with a chuckle. “Read the letter to me one more time.”
“Lord of Darkness, the day will never happen. The birth will go unrecognized. The end draws near for your latest folly and the hands of fate shall be empty. Heed these words and do not try to replace what already exists.”
“Okay,” Lizard said, bouncing his bat off his head as he thought. That had to hurt. “First and second line is about your womb dump day. Third line means that Elle won’t get birthday cake, which in her hangry state is dangerous to your pecker. Third line is also a death threat to you or possibly your party. Last line makes me think you might have the wrong date for your uterus ejection day.”
“So maybe my mother is behind this,” I said, mulling the possibility over. It wasn’t her style to write threatening notes, but there was a first time for everything. She usually just showed up and caused massive property damage. I still mentally rejected the idea, but since I was at a dead-end, I put my mother back on the suspect list.
“Very doubtful, but possible. I wouldn’t rule Mother Nature out just yet,” Lizard recommended. “However, I do know someone who could help us find the culprit—an incredible badass named Murry.”
“There’s a badass named Murry?”
“Damn straight,” he said.
“And what exactly is this Murry? I have no Demon called Murry in my ranks.” At least I hoped I didn’t. That would be appalling.
“A Dragon.”
“They’re a myth,” I said, doubting Lizard’s wisdom. “I have never seen a Dragon in all my life.”
“That’s because you don’t know where to look,” he replied slyly.
“Okay, I’ll bite. Where does a Dragon reside?”
“In his mother’s basement.”
“You’re fucking with me,” I said, narrowing my eyes.
“I fuck you not,” Lizard promised.
We both paused in alarm as we evaluated the last words that had fallen from Lizard’s lips. They verged on the need for a beheading, but the word not saved him. It amazed me how a simple three letter word could change a meaning entirely. It did occur to me that if I eliminated the word fuck from my vocabulary, I’d have an easier time in life. However, it was an excellent word. There were not many terms that could be a noun, verb, adjective, and adverb. It was incredibly versatile. I was keeping it.
“Take me to the Dragon,” I said.
And then all Hell broke loose.
The blast of black glitter as they poofed into the room set my teeth on edge. It covered every available section of real estate in the Grand Ballroom. The cleanup would be hellish. Magic was difficult to remove since it tended to eat vacuums. I’d have to bring in a few Hell Hounds to take care of the mess. The poor beasts would have indigestion for weeks.
Lizard, as brave as he was, sprinted like the Devil was on his ass and hid under a massive flower arrangement of black roses with poisoned thorns. That was ridiculous since I was standing right here. For a moment, I did consider joining him, but it would undermine my authority with my daughters.
Poisonous thorns were preferable to my offspring.
The seven unbalanced fruits of my loins stood in a circle, dressed to the nines and continued to snipe at each other even though they had to be aware they were in my presence. I hadn’t summoned them, so they had clearly sought my audience.
Their outer beauty belied their rotten insides. It was my fault. I’d spoiled the Seven Deadly Sins