Ain’t no fun tryin’ to fit in with the humans. Every time I trim one, they die. Makes me feel just awful. Down here in Hell, no matter what I blow off of a sucker, it grows back. I feel free to be me here. And I want eternal protection fer my boy. He’s a god-danged dummy, but I love him. If something happens to me, I want ya to look after Murry. He might be a brain damaged mother humper, but he’s all I got.”
“Thanks, Mammy,” Murry said, blushing under her questionable praise.
“No worries, ya little shit,” Mammy said as she snorted out a golden smoke ring that completely healed her son and lifted him back to his feet. “A momma will do anything fer her child no matter how stupid he is.”
The price was steep. Mammy drove a hard bargain. If she was indeed Mammy the Assassin, she might be an asset to my Demon Army—as long as they didn’t all quit due to being de-haired. “If Murry finds the one who penned the letter, it’s a deal. However, if you trim even one of my warriors, the deal is off. You’ve already made the entire staff in the Dark Palace resign save the twenty I found in the closet.”
“They’re gay?” Mammy asked.
“What?” I asked, confused.
“Well, you said you found them in the closet. I was just asking for clarification,” she said.
Mammy was begging to be electrocuted. However, since I was unsure of her retaliation, I tamped it back.
“I have no clue if they’re gay, and I don’t care,” I snapped. “There is nothing wrong with being gay, and if you have a problem with that, you can march your homophobic ass right out of Hell right after I blast it off your body. Am I clear?” I eyed the woman with disdain. I didn’t give a flying fuck about what people liked to do in the bedroom. As long as they were loyal to me, liked to steal, lie and cheat, I was fine with them. My niece Tiara was gay and one of my favorite people—not that I would admit it. It wasn’t fitting for the Devil to show affection to anyone. She was delightfully violent, and her vocabulary was outstandingly profane. Anyone who smack talked her would die by my hand.
“Relax yer buttcrack,” Mammy cackled. “I was just askin’ cause I’m lesbianic. If there’s a good gay bar in Hell, I’d be right happy.”
“Is lesbianic even a word?” I asked, thinking the conversation couldn’t get any stranger.
“Yep,” Mammy said.
“It is not a word,” I snapped.
“Look it up, jackass,” Mammy challenged.
Pulling out my phone, I paused and eyed the crazy old Dragon. “If it’s not a word, I get to fry your ass.”
Mammy grinned at me, and her eyes lit up with delight. “And if it is a word, I get to trim you.”
Shit. While I was almost certain lesbianic wasn’t a word, I didn’t have time to be trimmed if I was wrong. Convincing Steve Perry to be my best friend while hairless didn’t sound like a good plan. I would not call Mammy’s bluff. The woman was positively diabolical. As long as my Demon Army didn’t go AWOL with Mammy in their ranks, she would be an excellent addition.
“I have no time for games right now,” I hissed as Mammy grinned from ear to ear. “Get back to work on sniffing the females. I’ll let Lizard know to call back the ones roaming Earth.”
“Yes sir, Lord of Dark Junk,” Murry said with a deep bow that sent him face first into the grass.
I hadn’t sent Mammy to the Basement. Something told me she’d be more helpful on the main level of Hell. My gut had been leading me astray as of late, but I was going with it right now. With the fate of my party on the line, I felt I had no choice. Per the letter, Elle would be empty-handed—which meant no cake for my lover. That was even more unacceptable than Steve Perry spotting a dust bunny in the Dark Palace.
The love of my evil life would never have empty hands as long as I had anything to say about it. And no female Demon was going to make that come to fruition.
Elle’s happiness was my mission in life. She was my life.
It would be over my dead body that someone would screw with that.
Lizard wound up and destroyed a priceless crystal wall sconce with a swing of his damned bat.