fast approaching. The world needed to be made aware of the recently discovered womb eviction day of the Dark Angel.
Honestly, April 1st was a brilliant birthday for the Devil. People wouldn’t know if it was a joke or not. Of course, it wasn’t a lark at all… the joke was on them.
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Chapter Nine
“I’ve been busier than a cat covering up crap on a marble floor,” Murry the badass said, wiping the blood from an open wound on his head. “Not one of them sexy female Demons wrote that dang letter.”
“You’ve sniffed all of them?” I asked, annoyed that the perpetrator had not yet been found. Pacing the black rose garden on the front lawn of the Dark Palace, I racked my brain for other ways to suss out the culprit. I decided to have the conversation outside when I’d found twenty of my staff hiding from Mammy in the Grand Foyer closet. All of them were still sporting hair and wanted to keep it that way. Sending Mammy to the Basement of Hell was on the agenda of this meeting.
Now that I was aware my hero Steve Perry would be a guest, I needed my womb eviction celebration to be relatively violence free. Looking over my shoulder the entire time for someone trying to off me and ruin the soiree would fuck up my plan of trying to get Steve Perry to be my best friend. That was unacceptable.
“Yep, he sniffed ’em good,” Mammy said, snorting loudly and healing her son with some kind of magical, golden nostril air. “My Murry has been working harder than a one-legged cat in a litter box.”
I’d never witnessed anything like it. She circled the halfwit fruit of her loins while sniffing and snorting like she had something stuck in her nose. Dragons were a bizarre species. Not to mention, they clearly had a thing about feline bathroom habits.
“My boy Murry got the digits from twelve she-devils who tried to kill him dead. I’m right proud of my spawn,” Mammy announced with glee as she did a little jig that reminded me of Martha and Jane and made the bile in my stomach rise.
My gaze narrowed and I glared at the old woman. “Where’s your cane? How is it that you’re dancing?”
“Cane’s fer show,” Mammy said, glaring right back at me with smoke ominously wafting from her nose. “The jig is compliments of the talented Martha and Jane. I just love them gals. I’m gonna trim them for free later as a thank you.”
The woman was terrifying.
“You do that,” I said, thinking it wouldn’t take long since the old bats were practically bald to begin with. “Murry, a gift card to Red Lobster is on the line here. I expect you to come through.”
“Ya bet yer ass I will, Lord of Dark Shit,” Murry promised. “I can taste that buttery fish right now. I love me some Red Lobster. Thinkin’ bout invitin’ one of them she-devils to partake in the hushpuppies with me. Or mebbe I’ll take you, Lord of Dark Poop. We can go on All You Can Eat Shrimp Night and get blow-it-out-yer-ass-diarrhea together. Butter can do that do a guy. Ya feel me?”
“That’s…” I was at a loss as to how to reply without laughing or incinerating him. It was rare that someone amused me while I wanted to electrocute them at the same time. “That will happen when Hell freezes over, Murry. You feel me?”
“Ya bet yer evil ass I do,” Murry said as he laughed so hard, he fell over. “If ya change yer mind lemme know.”
The Dragon definitely had balance issues—physically and mentally. No one in their right mind offered to take the Devil out for a bout of buttery food poisoning. The man was a dolt. I couldn’t believe he’d lived as long as he had.
“Are all the female Demons in Hell right now?” Mammy asked a logical question I hadn’t considered.
“No,” I said, believing Mammy might be smarter than she let on. “I shall have Lizard remedy that immediately.”
“Gonna cost ya for that suggestion,” Mammy said with a grin that made my blood run cold.
“There’s a price for everything,” I replied flatly. “What do you want?”
Mammy pretended to be deep in thought as blood-red smoke wafted from her nose and her eyes. The tactic was wonderfully horrible. I’d have to try it. The woman was dastardly.
“I wanna be a general in yer Demon Army. Me and my Murry are the only two Dragons left.