Fashionably Fooled (Hot Damned #13) - Robyn Peterman Page 0,37

“Can’t believe I didn’t think of that,” he roared as he went for an irreplaceable onyx statue of an orgy. “That Mammy is good.”

“Yes,” I said, grabbing the bat before I had to decapitate him for property damage. “She is, and in exchange for her suggestion, she wants to be a general in the Demon Army.”

That rendered Lizard silent for a moment. He smacked loudly on his gum as he considered the ramifications of Mammy in the ranks.

“The army will be bald,” Lizard pointed out, lovingly touching his scruffy facial hair. “Not sure that’s gonna go over well.”

“The deal is off if she de-hairs even one of my warriors,” I explained, running my hands through my own hair and wondering if I’d made a grave mistake with Mammy.

My hair was as outstanding as was the rest of me. Whatever. I’d simply decapitate the old woman if she went for one single strand on my head.

“Per my orders, all the female Demons are due back in Hell by this afternoon. Anyone who doesn’t follow orders shall be banned from Hell and hunted down. Am I clear?”

“You are, my liege. I’ll make that shit happen,” Lizard said. “What about your daughters?”

I paled a bit just thinking about the seven thorns in my ass. “What about them?”

“Are we calling them back to Hell?”

I thought about it then shook my head. “Does the gum ever fail?” I inquired. If it was foolproof, then we’d already determined the innocence of my unpleasant spawn—well, at least as far as destroying my party went. Hell only knew they were guilty of a myriad of other offenses.

“Gum never fails,” Lizard assured me, chomping away with a grin.

“Then no. We do not need to retrieve them to be sniffed by Murry. Plus, they’d probably kill him,” I added.

Lizard nodded and shuddered. No one liked my offspring.

“What about Dixie?” Lizard asked, speaking of my eighth daughter.

“I can assure you Dixie is not involved in any way,” I said. “She’s the only good one I’ve got.”

“Couldn’t agree more, Sire,” Lizard agreed. “Nicest Demon in the Universe.”

“Yes,” I said with a shrug. “I do wish she was a little eviler, but one can’t have everything. However, her sisters more than make up for it. None of my children need to be sniffed.”

“Probably a good thing considering the Seven Deadly Sins are incarcerated in Paris for grand larceny and lewd behavior,” Lizard informed me with a chuckle.

It was lovely that someone found their antics amusing. I did not.

“What a surprise,” I said with an eye roll.

“You want ‘em bailed out for the party?” he inquired.

It was a conundrum. I really didn’t want them here, but it might look bad to Steve Perry if my evil offspring weren’t present. Although, they had kidnapped him for my Christmas gift a few years back. Wait. I could make them apologize and grovel on their knees before my hero. I would earn points and he would have to be my best fucking friend. The plan was slightly risky since my daughters were such a murderous bunch but threatening to cut them off completely should do the trick.

“Yes,” I said, smiling at my sneaky brilliance. “Bail them out right before the party and transport them back to Hell. Let them know I’m furious with their behavior and have a severe punishment in mind… unless they want to cut a deal.”

“You wanna be more specific?” Lizard asked, grinning.

“No, I do not,” I said, grinning back. “Suffice it to say if all goes according to plan, they might get into my good graces for the first time in their very long lives.”

“Good deal,” Lizard said, adjusting his charred and blood-stained beret. “I’ll get right on it.”

“Lizard, would you be offended if I decapitated you?” I questioned out of curiosity.

“Nope.”

“Electrocuted you?” I asked.

“Nope.”

“Set you on fire?”

“Nope.”

“Suggested you change your clothes?” I pressed.

“Yep,” he answered.

Shit. “And may I ask why?”

“Sure, my liege,” Lizard answered, puffing out his chest and cupping his nuts with pride. “This is the outfit that drives my women wild. I plan to wear it until it rots off my body.”

“That’s certainly appetizing,” I muttered to myself then nodded curtly to my loyal and disgustingly clad Demon. “Get to work. We have no time to lose.”

“As you wish,” Lizard said before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

I was able to cross several items off my list. Sadly, getting Lizard to change his tracksuit wasn’t one of them. There was still no Demon in custody, but that would be solved.