“Obviously not,” I snapped as Elle finally looked up from the cookies.
“Dr. Ruth?” Elle asked as her smile widened with recognition. “Is that really you?”
“It is,” Dr. Ruth said warmly in a German accent. “And how are you, Keeper of Fate?”
“I’m great. You want a cookie?” Elle asked, clearly besotted with the cute Dr. Ruth.
“You’re willing to give up a cookie for this woman?” I asked, shocked.
I was slightly worried if this Dr. Ruth said yes, she’d end up impaled on something sharp. So be it. It would put an end to the meeting.
“Of course,” Elle said, handing several cookies over to the tiny woman.
I considered asking for one but decided not to risk it with company present.
“Why are you here?” Elle asked Dr. Ruth as she gave her a few more of her beloved cookies.
“Wait a minute,” I said, narrowing my eyes at Martha and Jane and recalling the upset in Murry the badass’ basement over the kidnapping of a Dr. Ruth. “Did you abduct this woman?”
“Let’s say we did, Monster Schlong,” Jane grunted. “Is that a problem for you?”
Shit. She had me there. Illegal activities were lauded in Hell. I gave bonuses for creativity.
“That depends,” I shot back.
“On what, Mammoth Shmackle?” Martha questioned.
Closing my eyes, I willed myself not to electrocute Martha and Jane. Since it would upset Lizard—my only employee at the moment—if his undead concubines were actually permanently dead, I refrained. “Depends on why Dr. Ruth is here,” I said, watching the tiny doctor eat her cookie.
“Vell,” Dr. Ruth said, snapping her fingers and producing a small chair she could sit on where her feet actually touched the ground. “From vhat I’ve been told by the famous singer-authors, Martha and Jane, you have a sexual problem. I’m a sexual therapist, and I’m here to help you. Just because your shmackle is large doesn’t mean you know vhat to do vith it. Everyone needs to get some. Vhile a big penis is great, the most important six inches are between your ears.”
“It’s much bigger than six inches,” I said, completely insulted.
“It is,” Jane confirmed as Martha gave me a thumbs up.
“Excuse me,” I said, risking my life and grabbing one of Elle’s cookies. When she didn’t behead me, I gave her a smile, turned to the back wall of the office and incinerated it.
“Vas that necessary?” Dr. Ruth asked.
“It was either the wall or your head. So yes,” I replied.
“Very vell,” Dr. Ruth said with a tight smile. “Let’s get right to it. Shall ve?”
“NO, we shall not,” I snapped and turned to Elle. “Did you tell Dumb and Dumber that we had a sex issue?”
“Is he referring to us?” Martha asked Jane.
“No, just you,” Jane assured her.
“I most certainly did not say we had a sexual issue,” Elle said, placing her hand on her heart so I was aware she wasn’t lying. “I did say I’d considered removing your shmackle with a dull butter knife. They may have misinterpreted that.”
“You think?” I yelled as my fingers began to spark with the need to blow the Dark Palace to smithereens. “And never call my dick a shmackle again. It will lose all functionality and then we will have a sexual issue.”
“My bad,” Elle said with a wide smile. “Will man-yam be okay?”
“No,” I said, trying to bite back my grin.
“Deedle-honk?” Elle tried again with a burst of laughter.
My grin won out and I shook my head. My Siren could get away with anything and I’d be fine with it. “Dick will work just fine.”
“Vell, I think penis is an excellent vord,” Dr. Ruth chimed in. “It’s medically accurate. And if you say it in the right tone, it’s very, very sexy. Try it. On three, everyone say penis.”
“Umm… we’re going to go with dick,” Elle said, still giggling. “And I assure you, we have no sexual issues whatsoever.”
“Vhatever vorks for you,” Dr. Ruth said, daintily wiping the cookie crumbs from her tiny mouth. “Vell, vhile I’m here, is there anything I can do for you?”
I considered asking about Elle’s lady time, but since I knew there was an end in sight, I decided against it.
“I think we’re good,” I said, looking to Elle for confirmation.
She nodded and took my hand in hers.
“However, I am curious,” I said to the tiny woman who was tucking her extra cookies into her handbag. “What are you?”
“You can’t tell, Devil?” she asked with a twinkle in her eye.