one of the gals in the competition. That being said, I won’t do a double. Don’t you agree with me? My pants are insanely expensive. Crotchless designer pants are not classy—well, not in public. Your father would love them.”
“Mmmkay,” I said, wanting to move the conversation along to something that didn’t have anything to do with my mother’s crotch. “Did Sadie have any other information? Like how long my balls would be in danger?”
“Oh yes! Here’s the most exciting news. Elle’s time only lasts a week. Can you believe that shit? I went the whole nine months. It’s not fair.”
I sent a silent condolence to my father for having to watch his nuts for that long.
“Excellent,” I said, mentally counting the days. “It will coincide with my womb eviction day. The cause for celebration shall be two-fold.”
My mother’s squeal of joy almost burst my eardrum. “Yes, according to Sadie, her time will come to an end early in the morning. It always happens in the morning for a Siren. It shall be a double celebration!”
“Umm… yes,” I said, hoping the word double wouldn’t start another crotch rampage. “Will you be attending the party?”
“Wouldn’t miss it, Lucifer. I received my invitation from Astrid just this morning. I do find it appalling that you want stolen gifts.”
Ahh, Astrid had followed orders. Point for my niece.
“Yes, well, I'm a badass,” I replied with a grin. “It seems fitting.”
“And you’re also an asshole,” my mother reminded me.
“Thank you.”
“It wasn’t a compliment,” she shot back with another giggle. “But I do adore you. And just remember the name Gaia is truly lovely even for a boy.”
“You want me to take your name?” I asked, confused. Clearly, she’d fallen on her head a few times during her pole lesson.
“No, silly goose. Just keep it in mind,” she said. “Have to go. The pole waits for no one.”
With that, she hung up on me. I considered blocking her again, but I would wait until Elle’s lady time was over. Hell forbid there were more rituals I knew nothing about.
“Okay, Spectacular Shmackle,” Martha said as she entered my office with Jane and a tiny woman in tow. “We got it all fuckin’ figured out for you.”
“What the Hell are you wearing?” I choked out. I chose to ignore the dick reference. Since it was accurate, I’d give Martha a pass.
The two old Vamps normally looked horrendous. However, today was a shining moment of Hellishness. Both Martha and Jane were clad in what could only be described as assless, lime-green lederhosen with hot pink sequined boob tubes, paired with black socks and brown orthopedic shoes. It was so awful it was difficult to look away. They were undead walking train wrecks.
“You like it, Luscious Love Plunger?” Jane asked, modeling her disaster and slapping her bare ass as she turned to show Elle and me every nightmarish angle. “It’s in honor of our guest.”
“No,” I said flatly. “I don’t like it.”
“Aww, come on,” Martha shouted with a cackle, shimmying so that the light caught the hot pink sequins as she delivered a massive plate of cookies to Elle. “Someone with a master deedle-honk like you should love this outfit. Shows lots of skin.”
That fact could not be debated. I’d never seen so much wrinkled, sagging flesh in my existence. Elle didn’t seem bothered by the disgusting display of epidermis. She was far too involved with the cookies.
“I have a full agenda,” I said, wanting to get the meeting over with as soon as possible. “Get to the point and get out.”
“See what I’m talking about?” Martha said to the tiny woman who stood quietly and took notes. “Fabu Man-yam is all kinds of rude.”
The woman nodded her little head, eyed me for a long moment then took more notes.
Shit.
If this was Aunt Flow, we were all in trouble. The woman was Immortal, but I couldn’t put my finger on her species. I searched my vocabulary for a word to describe her. The only word that came to mind was one I’d banned from my speech. Cute. The tiny woman was cute. Cute was a terrible thing. It hid all kinds of unsavory motives.
The woman had to be about four and a half feet tall. She wore a bright red pantsuit, sensible shoes and red-rimmed glasses. I could blow, and she’d fly away, but for some unknown reason she terrified me. My guess? She had to be a mother. Mothers were terrifying.