she did worse than pole dancing was cook. My mother had invented food poisoning.
“My win surprises you?” she asked in a tone that meant something was about to go up in flames.
Good thing I loved fire.
“Were you the only contestant?” I questioned, unable to grasp how my mother had won.
“Not exactly,” she replied, looking a bit guilty.
Finally, the conversation was interesting.
“Mother, did you cheat?” I inquired with a grin.
“I might have prepared pre-show cupcakes for the other contestants,” she admitted with a giggle.
“You poisoned all of your competition?” I was impressed.
With a dismissive wave of her hand, she continued to giggle. “They’ll be fine. All the gals are Immortal. After they finish throwing up, they’ll be as good as new.”
“God won’t like this,” I pointed out, loving the fact I had a little something on our mother.
“Don’t you dare tell him, or I’ll spend a month in Hell landscaping your property,” she threatened. “And I mean it.”
Damnit, the whack job always won.
“Fine, I won’t,” I said, wondering how to broach the subject of her trying to destroy my womb eviction day without causing a natural disaster.
My mother adored being needed, and there was a far-flung possibility that she might have a little advice as to handling Elle’s visit from Aunt Flow. I’d play on her weaknesses then suss out the information I’d actually come for. It would be painful, but no pain, no gain.
“Sooo, Elle tried to decapitate me,” I informed her casually. “She also stabbed me with a fork.”
“Interesting,” she said as she snapped her fingers and produced two overstuffed, garish floral chairs that made me wince in pain. “Did you deserve it?”
“Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?” I demanded as I straddled the arm of the chair that was meant for me. It was too emasculating to actually sit in it.
“I am on your side, darling,” she assured me. “But you’re an asshole.”
This wasn’t going the way it was supposed to go. I was tempted to blow up part of Nirvana to calm myself, but my mother’s retaliation would be a nightmare. It had taken months to repair Hell the last time she’d visited.
“Elle’s acting rather strange,” I said in my defense. Mentioning lady time to my mother was out of the question. I’d just work around it and only say the words if necessary. “She’s never been quite so violent before.”
“Is she eating you out of Hell and home?” Mother Nature inquired as her eyes lit up, and she clasped her hands together with excitement. “Moody? Gaining a little weight?”
My eyes widened, and I slowly nodded my head. My mother was insane but clearly intuitive. It was an incredible relief not to have to spell it out. Saying the word menstruation to the woman who’d evicted me from her womb would be mortifying.
“How did you know?” I asked.
“I could tell the last time I saw her. I had a vision,” my mother replied, still grinning like a fool. “I didn’t want to spoil the wonderful surprise and tell you.”
Why she thought lady time was a wonderful surprise was a mystery. However, she also thought pole dancing and poisoning competitors was a good time. Making sense of my mother was fruitless.
“How should I handle it?” I asked before I could stop myself.
The shriek of joy that came from my mother’s mouth sent all of Nirvana into blossom overload. I was literally tied to the fucking chair by flowering vines.
“You’ve come to your mommy for advice? You want my opinion?” she squealed.
“Not anymore,” I mumbled as I snapped my fingers and killed the vines dead.
“Oh, pish,” she said with a happy sigh. “You just need to be there for Elle every step of the way. Fulfill her every wish and every desire.”
“Are you fucking serious?” I questioned.
She zapped me before I could duck.
“I should wash your mouth out with soap. It’s your fault she’s like this, Lucifer,” my mother snapped. “It’s the very least you can do. Trust me, it could be far worse than getting stabbed or decapitated.”
“It could?” I whispered in appalled shock as I slapped at my Armani suit to put out the fire. I had no clue how Elle’s lady time was my fault, but there was no way in Hell I was going to ask. Being zapped again didn’t appeal.
Mother Nature nodded and leaned in. “When it was my time, I repeatedly tried to remove your father’s pride and joy with a dull butter knife. His outstanding package was in danger for