strong black magic, we escaped with our balls intact. Things were looking up.
Chapter Six
“You’re behaving like a shit, Lucifer,” Mother Nature snapped with a flounce of her red curls as she eyed me dispassionately. “Can you not see that I’m wearing a crown and a sash?”
Nirvana gave me a headache. My mother gave me the desire to incinerate nations. All I’d said was hello, and she had already jumped up my outstanding ass.
“Your point, mother? I’m the Devil. I’m supposed to be a shit,” I replied easily, giving her one of my most charming smiles.
Mother Nature was unimpressed. Her eyes narrowed, and she adjusted the ornate and ridiculously large glittering disaster atop her head. “Do you like my crown?”
“Is that a trick question?” I shot back.
“No,” she said with an eye roll. “I already know it’s gorgeous like I am. I simply enjoy when people agree with me.”
My mother was very aware that she was one of the most exquisite people in existence. Of course, I was prettier, but stating that truth would be asking for trouble. Considering she was about to electrocute me for simply saying hello, I decided to lie.
“Your tiara is very sparkly… and large. It makes your head look quite small,” I said, ready to dive for cover if necessary. “You look lovely.”
“Thank you, sweetheart. I am gorgeous,” she agreed. “It’s wonderful of you to come and congratulate me on my win. I would have thought God would have come as well.”
Shit. It was rare for me to beat my brother out in our mother’s good and supremely unstable graces. I was torn between pretending I knew what the Hell she was talking about or telling the truth. The truth was bullshit. Since I never won in contests with my pious brother, I’d do what I did best… lie.
“Yes… well, congratulations on your win.”
“You watched it on the interwebs?” she asked, prancing around the garden.
“Of course,” I said, digging myself deeper into a hole that was likely filled with explosives.
With each step she took, roses in hues of pink and orange burst from the ground, replacing where her foot had been. She danced around until the entire area looked like a floral shop on steroids. It was far too happy for my mood.
“Mother, the flowers are giving me a migraine,” I said, waving my hand and turning the foliage to a sparkling black. So. Much. Better.
“Ohhh,” she said, examining my magical handiwork with glee. “This is nice for an evening soiree. Although, it needs a little something extra, darling.”
She wiggled her nose and a flock of teal and lavender parrots swarmed the area. Closing my eyes, I counted to ten, so I didn’t fry the flying shitters in the air. However, if I got crapped on even once, they were goners.
“I only fell six times,” Mother Nature went on, babbling with delight. “And my excellent bosoms stayed in my outfit the entire time. I wore my monkey, Studly, as a boa and he helped keep my top in place with his teeth—very creative on my part. Your father was so proud.”
I was certain my smile looked like a grimace. I still had no clue what she was speaking about. Staying silent was my best bet for leaving in one piece.
Mother Nature tilted her head to the side as she examined me in my mute state. It was insanely unnerving. My mother was quiet for a long moment. A rainbow of glitter burst from her body and bathed the garden in peach sparkles. It also blinded a few of the flying crappers. They bashed into each other before falling to the ground with a thud. My mother didn’t even notice. She was far too focused on me.
That did not bode well.
I wasn’t sure if she was going to electrocute me for my obvious lie or if she was going to laugh. With her, one never knew.
“You didn’t come to congratulate me,” she pouted.
With a put-upon sigh, I shrugged and grinned. “No, I did not. I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about, and I think that might be a good thing.”
My mother’s laugh rang out and echoed through Nirvana. The trees and bushes blossomed in response. It was hive-inducing.
“I won the pole dancing competition in Belize!” she squealed.
“You have got to be kidding me,” I choked out on a laugh, shocked to the core.
She was a dismal pole dancer. I knew this firsthand since she insisted on pole dancing at all family gatherings. The only thing