This was far worse than anyone had led me to believe.
“How long did it last?” I asked. Aunt Flow seemed to visit human women for a week. However, Elle was a Siren and the Keeper of Fate. Who knew how long the curse could hang around?
“About nine months,” my mother informed me as I felt my head swim and my vision blur. “But with Elle being a Siren, it could last a week or a year. I have no clue. Would you like me to discuss it with her mother?”
“Yes,” I choked out, very sorry that I’d brought any of this up. Sometimes, it was best to be left in blissful darkness. “Can you let me know what she says?”
“Will you answer your cell phone when I call?” my mother asked with her perfectly plucked brow raised high.
Crap, I’d have to reprogram my phone to accept calls from the insane nutjob. I was quite sure she’d abuse the privilege tremendously. So be it. There was a price to be paid for everything. If picking up my mother’s calls would keep my dick from injury due to a dull butter knife, I would play. Well, at least until I had the information I needed.
“Yes,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Excellent,” Mother Nature said, patting my head. “Are the girls excited?”
What the Hell? Was my mother referring to my mate’s breasts?
“Which girls?” It was one thing to discuss the lady time. It was another thing entirely to discuss my mate’s assets.
“The Sins, you idiot—not Elle’s knockers. Your daughters,” my mother said, reminding me of a reality I wanted to forget most of the time. "Are they excited?"
“Excited about what?” I asked, confused as I swatted at her hand. I was older than dirt. There was no good reason to treat me like a child.
My mother rolled her eyes and slapped the back of my head. I preferred the pat.
“Excited about Elle’s state,” she clarified.
I was so damned confused. Did women celebrate each other’s lady time? It was absurd. I needed to steer the conversation back to the reason I’d come. There wasn’t much more I could take without electrocuting my mother… and that would not go over well.
“They’re in Paris at the moment pilfering goods and terrifying the masses. I’ve told them they have to move out of the Dark Palace,” I said, hoping that answered her question.
“Excellent plan,” she said, nodding her head in approval. “I don’t believe they can be trusted with this.”
“Not to worry,” I assured her, wanting to put an end to the discussion. “Elle stabbed Gluttony in the forehead when she went for her cookie.”
“That’s my girl,” my mother said with a giggle. “It’s bad juju to screw with Fate.”
I saw an opening. I took it. “Speaking of things that are fated,” I began, incredibly relieved to stop talking about the bizarre rituals revolving around women’s periods. “Did you happen to send me a letter recently?”
Mother Nature looked perplexed. “Not that I remember. What did it say?”
“I have it right here,” I replied as I reached into my pocket and came up empty-handed. Damnit, I’d given it to Lizard since it was covered in Murry the badass’ sniff residue. “Actually, I don’t have it.”
“Why do you think it’s from me?” my mother questioned as she clapped her hands and whipped up a late afternoon tea complete with scones and cakes. “Would you like a snack?”
“No,” I said flatly. “Trying to cut back on my food poisoning.”
“That’s not nice, Lucifer,” she said with a giggle. “True though. As shocking as it is to everyone in the Universe, there are a few things I’m not perfect at.”
“Shocking,” I said with a chuckle. “The letter was a threat. Someone is trying to stop the worldwide celebration of my birthday.”
“You have a birthday?” my mother asked in total seriousness.
“Yesssss,” I hissed. “You told me the date. I would think you might have some memory of evicting me from your damn womb, mother.”
“No need to get your panties in a wad, Lucifer,” she chided with an enormous eye roll.
“I go commando,” I snapped.
“So does your father,” my mother informed me.
“Too much information,” I said, pressing the bridge of my nose and trying to wipe the appalling visual from my frontal lobe. It was clear she hadn’t written the letter if she’d forgotten I had a birthday in the first place. “April 1st is not my birthday?”
Mother Nature bit down on her bottom lip so hard I was sure she was about