Fake Friends - Saxon James Page 0,33
out if tonight is any indication. And while all this online attention has been amazing, I’m ready to find my forever person.
Fucking around with Rowan is a disaster waiting to happen.
And yet … my dumb ass wants more.
I put an action movie on because I remember Rowan liking those, and it seems like the safest option. He sips his beer quietly, and I have no idea if he’s actually paying attention to the movie or if his mind is doing what mine is. Straying back to an hour before, picturing him sprawled out on his bed naked, jerking himself until he came.
Damn, I bet it was a pretty sight.
Rowan looks up suddenly, catching me watching him. His blue eyes are muted by the color from the TV, but they still hold my stare in that captivating way they always have.
“Thank you,” he says.
“What for?”
“Trying to help. I don’t think anyone else has ever given enough of a shit to.”
I tilt my head, not letting his words get to me. “Well, maybe if you’d let people in, they would have had that chance.”
“Nah. No one wants to deal with a homophobic gay man. I can’t imagine it’s much fun for your partner to start crying and leave after sex.”
Well, that’s a fucking understatement.
Still, I can’t let him know how awkward it was or make a big deal out of it.
“True, but it’s the leaving part that’s the issue. So next time, sob your heart out, then move on to something more fun. Like pizza. Or better still, round two.”
He gives me a little shove, but he seems happier than before.
“Yeah? You find me a guy who’ll let me sob all over them, and I might have to give it a try.”
He turns back to the screen, and I watch the side of his face, trying not to concentrate on what he said.
The problem is, I’ve already found that guy.
I just wish he wasn’t me.
Waking up and finding Circus standing in his kitchen, wearing only a pair of sleep shorts, is too much for my tired gay brain. I want to touch him. I want to tell him how I can’t stop thinking about him. I want to be the kind of guy who can offer him what he needs and prove to him that being with me is worth it.
To give him the big family he wants.
Pity none of that will happen.
I mumble out a good morning and then go in search of coffee. Morning me not think good. Need caffeine, stat.
Because at this point, I’m not convinced I’m done freaking out over last night.
I can probably count on two hands—maybe even one—the number of times I’ve had my dick sucked by a guy. And that’s literally the entire range of my gay experience.
For a reason.
Every time I visited one of those clubs, hell, even the time with Circus, the high would last just long enough for me to drain my balls, and then the judgment would kick in. The massive crash of holy-shit-what-have-I-done takes over, and I run as fast and hard as I can.
Last night, there was no running.
Somehow Circus knew that what I needed wasn’t space, it was to face him after what we’d done.
And now that’s making me really uncomfortable. Because more than just getting off listening to the sound of his voice, last night felt … right. We felt close.
Because Circus knows me the way literally no one else on earth does.
“What are your plans today?” he asks, and I can feel the way he’s watching me. I’m not sure if he’s waiting for the panic to kick back in, but I’m holding it together for now.
“Leita’s having us over for lunch. They’ll grill some burgers and try to set me up with whoever’s currently single.”
“Ouch.”
He has no idea.
“Think you’re up for a boyfriendly photo?”
Honestly? No. Just that word is kick-starting my heart into a rhythm it’s not used to. But there’s a deeper base need to get close to him that’s difficult to ignore. Even as I tell myself it’s wrong, even as I tell myself I’m being weak, I answer, “Sure.”
Circus leads me over to the window overlooking the valley and wraps one arm around my front. He pulls me in until he’s looking over my shoulder, out at the view. “Hug me like you mean it.”
I have no idea what that looks like, but I close my eyes and wrap my arm around him tight. And there, tucked into my side, he feels