have me committed if I lose it again. I felt like I was losing myself anyway. I was slowly but surely slipping away, turning into someone I didn’t know and someone I didn’t like. I couldn’t talk to my friends about this. They just never seemed to understand. All they did was beg me to go to the mall or to some sorority gathering, which was so not going to happen now or maybe ever.
I decided to take a hot bath and shave my legs which nearly resembled a forest (yuck). I didn’t see the reason since I never went out but I figured I should now. I thought that maybe this simple act might make me feel just a little bit more normal. The steam filled the bathroom; my head felt fuzzy from my medication. I stare at the shaving razor, my mind spinning again. I slide into the almost too hot tub. My eyes are still on the shaving razor, waiting on the tub rim. I grab it, smashing the plastic case, the blade slips into the hot water. I feel around the bottom of the tub, it’s by the drain. I hold up my soapy wrist and stare at it thoughtfully.
It’s as pale as the rest of me is. The blue veins connect like a detailed road map; my pulse is thrumming away in my head. I close my eyes wishing I could just disappear. It would be all too easy to just go, to just end this nightmare of a life I cannot escape. I wanted to leave the flash backs, nightmares and voices in my head all behind forever. I try to sleep and I only have more nightmares of Todd. I seem to relive the night he attacked me endlessly. I can only escape him when I double dose my sleeping pills and very often, that doesn’t even work.
I trace a faint line on my wrist with the edge of the razor blade not even thinking about what might happen next, the very real and dire consequences. My only thought is escaping the thoughts in my mind. I suddenly re think what I’m doing, but my wrist is already bleeding. I get dizzy, quickly grabbing a washcloth to cover it. I cannot do this. I sigh the cut is not deep enough to kill me, but it’s there. A reminder of the dark thoughts that seep into my mind after every flash back I have.
I promise myself if I can’t get control of this, I will end it all. I will not live another month as if I am now, every breath filled with fear. I promise myself this silently. I will not live with the fear, the nightmares, and the sadness. I knew where that razor was, and I knew how to stop all of the pain I had to endure every day. I just hated what it would to do to my father and Gram…I knew it would hurt them and I didn’t want that.
I wrap my wrist with a Band-Aid, slip on my nightgown, and go back to bed. I was suicidal and nobody knew it but me. I lied to everyone in my life. I told them I was feeling better, feeling normal even. I guess I was tied of their gentle way of asking if I was “ok” or “doing better” all the time. I was tired of the way they looked at me, as if I might break if they asked me the wrong questions. I heard their hushed voices, as they analyzed me behind my back. I know they are all watching and wondering if I’m really ok…so I just tell them I am.
Life doesn’t get much better than this I sigh thinking sarcastically to myself. I stare at the pill bottles again, a voice pops into my head telling me to take four or five. God I was a head case. I wonder if I shouldn’t call my therapist, tell my dad, or call Kara. I should have done all three, but I knew deep down why I didn’t. I didn’t want anyone to stop me when I made my final decision about living or dying. I knew when I came to the end of my rope, when I couldn’t take one more minute. I was going to kill myself and I didn’t want anyone to stop me.
I sleep finally, the pills lulling me into a few hours of drug-induced peace, until the nightmares seep back