living. I asked one of my clients in Mashhad to recommend me to members of the court.”
“So I can call you Hajjieh Fereshteh,” I said. “May God be thanked that you have made the hajj!”
“It has changed me through and through,” she said. “God is merciful, and He has poured His grace on me. I am still an outcast of course—my sisters refuse to see me or accept my gifts—but I had to do what was necessary at the time.”
“It was the same for me.”
“Really? Why did you do it?”
Her gentle curiosity filled me with an urge to tell her everything. I began recounting my youthful despair, my dreams, and my progress since I had seen her last. As I spoke, something large and tight seemed to loosen in my breast.
“Back then, I thought it was my only choice. Now that I am older, I wonder if something deep within me wanted to sacrifice myself for my father, just as he had given his life for us.”
I had never expressed that feeling before, not even to myself. How good it felt to admit the truth after so many years!
Fereshteh’s gaze was affectionate. “I am not surprised. You were so young and so passionate about everything! The way you ate, the way you made love—it was as if your heart were newly born. I confess I thought of you often.”
I had not expected her to say that, and her words warmed me through and through.
“And I, you,” I replied, my mind alive with memories of how we had devoured each other in the dark. Her skin had been almost translucent, like fine paper, against the blackness of her hair. After our lovemaking, she had curled my body around hers like a snail snuggling in its shell.
“How has being a eunuch changed you?”
I stopped to think for a moment. “No one knows the ways of both men and women as well as I do—except perhaps you.”
She smiled.
“But that’s not all. Had I been a nobleman serving at the court as planned, I would have shunned many of those I have come to love.”
“Is there someone you love?”
“An African slave has become my friend,” I replied, trying to keep my heart still. “If I had remained a nobleman of rank, I doubt I would have spent so much time with her.”
“I am glad to hear you have found love despite your changed state.”
I looked at her. She was the same Fereshteh, but grown more beautiful. True, there were small lines at her mouth, but she was a ripe woman now, and her graciousness enveloped me like a sweet-smelling cloud.
“What about you? Would it have been better to remain at your stepmother’s house?”
She smiled sadly. “I would have been married to the first man who asked, no matter what I thought about it. I doubt I would have been happy.”
“Are you happy now?”
“More or less.”
“Have you found love?”
“No,” she replied. “What man wishes to make a prostitute his wife? But I have other boons, like my daughter, whom I love with all my heart.”
The hope that filled me was so great I was afraid to speak. What if, by the grace of God, Fereshteh had left Mashhad because she was pregnant with my child? A little girl with Jalileh’s pretty dark eyes sprang to life in my mind. Silently, I prayed to God, offering any sacrifice He desired.
“How old is she?”
“Six.”
I sighed; she was far too young to be my child.
“What a lovely age.”
A servant poked his head in the door and announced the arrival of another visitor.
“My friend, I wish I could stay with you longer, but for my daughter’s sake, I must attend to business. Perhaps you will come another time.”
“I will,” I said, “but let me tell you why I am here. Sultanam has sent me. You have probably heard about the problems at the palace.”
“I hear about them all the time. I have already received a message from her asking me to help you—but she called you Javaher.”
“That is my palace name. Tell me, what do you know of Hassan Beyg?”
A knowing smile played at her lips. “Hassan Beyg is comely, but not bold. He trembles with fear that he will be killed when the Shah tires of him.”
“Does he wish for another situation?”
“No, he is a loyalist. But he loves women, too.”
I thought about how impossible it was to know a man’s true face without knowing about every place he showed it.
“What does he say about the Shah?”
She paused