Judd tried another tactic. “You’d look great if you dressed sexy. But you don’t have to just because you’re slender and beautiful. It’s not like there’s some required uniform for your body type. Hoodies and baggy jeans are fine. Comfortable. Who am I to advise? I never give what I wear a second thought.”
Colin’s face shuttered. He stared at his hands where they rested on Judd’s chest, unmoving and curled slightly, like they’d died there. Those elegant hands that felt like a benediction on Judd’s body.
“I’m not like them, you know.”
“Like who, Gingersnap?”
“Like Marvin or Trick or Max or Isaac. I’m not bold. I don’t live in my skin the way they do. Either skin or fur. I’m not fabulous or sparkling or amazing or special. I’m just gay.”
Judd’s heart clenched. Was this part of Colin’s pain? An inadequacy based on comparison to other gay men?
“You be whatever you want to be, Gingersnap. You wear whatever you want to wear. There’s no set standard on what gay looks like, despite what Hollywood has done to us. Christ, they can’t even get werewolves right.”
“But you can say that, because look at you. You’re totally butch.” Colin traced Judd’s pec with his fingers, as if indicating the power there. “You’ve got it covered. I can’t be that either. I mean, look at me!” Frustration and self-loathing leaked into Colin’s voice.
Judd lifted his dangling hand to scrub at his face. He knew what he looked like, what he was. There’d been crap all his long life for things he couldn’t control about his appearance – big, Black, powerful. But he had passed as straight whenever he needed to. He understood that counted for a lot in this world, even now. He was aggressively masculine. Partly because he was an enforcer, but also as a result of his childhood. Rough upbringings make posturing part of a man’s personality, even before becoming werewolf. But Judd also hadn’t passed in so many other ways. He‘d been called out by his skin, his accent, his wide-armed way of walking. Colin had been called out by the fine beauty of his hands, the fullness of his lips, and a yearning to put glitter on his eyelids.
“I like the way you look just fine, Gingersnap. But appearance doesn’t dictate who you are inside. Look at Mana.”
“She’s fabulous too.”
“You don’t have to make a splash – you just have to know how to swim.”
“Well I don’t. I don’t know anything. Most of the time I can barely stay afloat.” Colin wasn’t talking about sex anymore.
Judd pushed up onto his elbows, stared into the lost face above him. “No one can teach you how to be gay, baby. Not even me. I mean, I can help you with the sexual side of things, but gayness is more than that. It’s like, no one can teach you how to be happy. You have to figure that shit out for yourself. But I’ll tell you something private, because I think it’ll make you feel better. I look like this. I’m aggressive. I’m crass and rough. I fit enforcer well, always have – gay or not. And I’m not like Tank or Bryan – there is no submission in me. I might have been Alpha had I had the gene, and the right species of bite. We’ll never know, now.”
Judd moved so he was leaning back against the arm of the couch, sitting upright even more. But he grabbed Colin’s wrists when his Gingersnap would have backed away. He tugged, gently, mindful of his strength. He pulled Colin forward. He kissed those delicate hands, one after the other. A demonstration of dominance, and touch, but also service. Colin needed to take this seriously. “But I like taking dick as much as giving it, and no one would ever guess that from looking at me.”
Colin’s eyes went big and round, his mouth an “o” of surprise. “Really? You like that?” Against Judd’s stomach Colin’s hips twitched. His cock flexed. A bright splash of crimson spread across his cheekbones.
Judd was delighted. His almost-mate liked the idea of fucking him, did he? Good.
Colin’s eyes went quickly up and down Judd’s body, assessing, needy, bright yellow. Then he swallowed, focused on Judd’s face. His expression was still lost but his body had relaxed after Judd’s confession. Judd had told Colin a truth that others considered a weakness. It balanced out Colin’s insecurities.
“You’re so much yourself, Judd. So comfortable. I figure