throat. He’s dating someone and it’s not me. He’s making new friends and I’m no longer one of them.
He accepts the call and it’s like he’s impaled me in the heart with a sword.
“Hey,” he says with a gentle voice into the phone. “Can you give me a second?”
He means a second to deal with me, but I don’t need to be dealt with. I force myself to my feet even though my knees are weak. A tug on my hand and Leo’s expression is pained repentance. “It’s just a friend going through a tough time.”
“Is that what it is?” I demand.
The way his eyebrows draw together tells me it isn’t.
“I guess I got my answer on if we’re friends anymore.”
“That’s stupid. You’re my best friend. You always will be. I came home to see you.” His thumb swipes across my hand, but I don’t feel anything.
“Give me a few minutes and we’ll talk. Really talk. You’re my best friend, V,” he says again. “That’s why I came home. I don’t want that to change.”
“Sure.” But I don’t want to be here anymore, and I definitely don’t want to listen to him talk to another girl. He walks off into the night, and I wish for the first time in my life that I had a car and could drive. Pain crashes through my brain. A jackhammer to the skull. I stumble, and as I put my hands on my knees to keep myself upright, there’s a hand on my elbow.
“V?” It’s Jesse, and I hate how scared he sounds. “You okay?”
No. “I want to go home.”
“Do you want to lie down?” he asks. “You can crash here tonight.”
“No.” A sharp slicing pain that causes dizziness. The swirling overtakes me, and I grip Jesse’s arm so hard that I’m concerned I’m drawing blood. “I want to go home. Now, Jesse. Just take me home.”
“Okay. We’ll get you home.”
* * *
Jesse pulls into my driveway and sighs heavily as he shifts his truck into park. His cell rings again, and we both glance over at its spot in the cup holder. Leo’s face is on the screen. Jesse reaches for his cell, and I’m thankful he ignores the call as he checks the slew of texts. With an even deeper sigh, he powers off his cell.
Ten minutes into our way home, my cell had started pinging with texts from Leo, and when I ignored those, the calls had begun. I turned off my cell, then Jesse’s cell had started in on the avalanche.
“Leo wants to talk to you,” Jesse says.
“We’ve talked.” It’s weird how empty I sound. “Whoever this girl is, is he in love with her? You aren’t breaking some bro-code if you answer. I know about her. At least enough.” Enough for it to hurt.
Jesse’s head falls back and hits the headrest with a thump. “I don’t know. He came home because he’s confused.”
I snort and it’s all bitter. I try to find something funny to say, but there’s nothing funny in me. I’m heavy, all over, as if I did sink into the muddy river, and I drowned.
“He met her at his camp this summer and they’ve been talking since then. She wants things to be more serious between them.” Jesse readjusts as if uncomfortable, and I hurt for him because it has to be tough to be caught between two friends. “He doesn’t want to hurt you, and he doesn’t want this to affect your friendship. I know he cares for you, more than a friend, but he’s struggling with his feelings for you. He’s always struggled with them and—”
Heat rushes along my neck and I want to vomit. “Stop.”
“V,” Jesse starts, but I don’t want to hear any more. I want life as it was six months ago. I want my life before my mother died. I want any type of life other than the one I have right now.
My head is pounding so badly and my stomach is churning so quickly that I bolt out of the truck and focus on getting up the stairs of the porch. Jesse’s door groans open and tears well up in my eyes.
“Go home, Jesse.” I hate how my voice breaks. My hands shake as I push in the code for the lock of the main door. I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to cry in front of Jesse.
The door to the foyer opens, and I’m briefly blinded by the bright lights. I blink, and when