stupid Bic in the house, I would be able to move you in with me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The only person I want to talk to is you. Talk to me, okay? Make things better for me, like you always did. I’m sorry. Please make him stop. The way he looks at me just gives me the creeps that climb on my skin the second he is in the room with me.
I went to meet with the lawyer today. Mom was there, so at least I had her. I had to tell them what happened. How it happened. How many times it happened. I am so very sorry, Gaze. And now my punishment is no you and it’s killing me. Can missing someone kill you? I think it will.
There was a gap in time, and I double-checked, but there was about a month between letters. And even though I had them all, I still felt my heart pound.
Be here. Please be here.
And another note:
I can’t.
And another:
Gaze,
She’s dead. My mom is dead. Gaze. Please.
I stopped, stone-cold, and snapped my head to Pixie’s window. Her mom died? How? When? Oh my God. Bic. Sweet Jesus.
I panic opened the folded letters, the dates sometimes missing. The contents hit my subconscious.
He took the door off my room, please be here.
Help.
No.
I’m not me anymore.
I hate him.
I hate me.
No one knows but you.
Please.
Stop.
No one knows but you? Oh God. Pixie, no. No.
I was in a flurry of her pain. I was in the center of her past. While I was treated like a cherished family member.
I sat in my room for a long time, processing the two paths we took. Well, I was able to take a path; she was stuck on the sidelines.
The guilt I had was huge. I knew this would happen to her. I knew it. Deep inside, I didn’t trust Bic and I ignored it when I was with the Burathons. I did what made me happy while she was…
I wanted to go back to her apartment, but my shame locked me down. Instead, I watched her window all night, wondering. Was she still there? Was she safe?
I’d approach tomorrow differently. For sure.
Chapter 41
Gaze
I WAS TOLD I would be able to go to the gym today, which was good. My hands itched to touch a basketball. I loved the simplicity of the game. It was the thing that I didn’t have to think about; it just came to me.
When we got to lunchtime, I sat at the table with the girls who helped me to class and the guys from the team. I saw how the cafeteria was divided. They didn’t have an Austin that somehow managed to connect all the groups in one way or another.
I turned to Ashlin who lit up with a smile.“You know Pixie Rae Stone?”
The smile slipped from her face and turned into a surprised frown alarmingly quickly. “Ugh. Why do you care?”
I ignored her and turned to Megan who seemed perplexed. “Pixie Rae? You know her?”
After turning my head to the side to show them my impatience, I answered, “Clearly.”
The guys turned into the conversation. I was betting it was the shift in my tone. Slightly aggressive.
“We know her.” Ashlin sucked on her teeth. “Don’t worry, she won’t come near you if you’re around us.”
I scanned the cafeteria, wondering if that was why I hadn’t seen Pixie yet. “She’s not a friend of yours?”
Megan busted out laughing before offering, “Uh. Yeah. No. We’re not friends with the girl that bones her stepdad.”
The others around the table laughed. Pixie’s letters raced through my head. I ignored the horrible accusation. “She still go to school here?”
The letters had stopped accumulating in the coffee can. I wondered what had happened.
Ashlin nodded with duck lips. “Yeah. She’s got the locker next to mine. I try not to get any diseases off of her. She hasn’t been here in weeks, but she was here this morning. I heard she’s sad that her stepdad is dating someone new.”
I stood up from the table, grabbed my stuff, and left without another word. I heard the guys and girls behind me whispering. They could do that all they wanted. Fuck them all.
I went to the bathroom for a few minutes until the bell rang. I wanted to go find Pixie.
There was no hiding at my height now. In my next class, Ashlin sidled close. “Hey, you wanted to see Pixie? You’re going to see a lot of her soon.”
If she was Superman,