with yourself.”
“My mother had just died. Told you that.”
He asked, “If your mother hadn’t died that evening?”
I felt heaviness in my chest, like my soul had been encased in a cement tomb and dropped in the ocean.
He asked, “Did you love Lisa?”
“Thought I did.” Felt like my mouth was filled with cotton. “Thought I could.”
“What was it?”
“Need.”
In my mind she had promised me heaven, clouds filled with naked angels. But if the soft stir of a butterfly’s wings could cause a violent storm a world away, Lisa could kill us all.
I stood there scared for him, ashamed for myself. I should’ve felt a sense of relief, but there was none. Wolf was a good man. Like another brother. I’d been the Cain in his life.
Back to silence.
He said, “On that two weeks’ notice, I accept it.”
We shook hands, tight and strong. Warriors at the end of a battle. Two flawed, morally impure men who just wanted life to work out in a good way.
He said, “We’re all murderers, Driver. We all kill what we love.”
The memory of my ex-wife came to me hard and strong, then I pushed it away.
But he wasn’t talking about how I had killed what I had loved.
He said that like he was confessing that his lie about being able to have children and his one-time infidelity had killed the love between Lisa and him, but whatever she had done hadn’t put a damper on what he felt for her. He blamed himself. His lies had given her a pass card.
I reached in my suit pocket, took out the Pilot pen I had borrowed from his desk. I handed it back to him. He took the pen, nodded, rolled it over and over in his hand.
I said, “Your snitch won’t have to worry about me lifting your pens.”
“There is no snitch.”
“Who told you I had your pen?”
“My children. My relatives. My family. They watch over me. They see everything.”
He motioned at the wall, somewhere over the pictures of his ancestors.
My eyes went to that same wall. I said, “Camera?”
He nodded.
I asked, “Lisa knows about that hidden camera?”
“Was her idea. One of her connections gave us a good price.”
We stared at each other, two men who had been bitten by the same snake.
With that knowledge, I left his office.
28
Panther was waiting for me over at Carl’s Jr. She drove me back down to Manhattan Beach. All the way she talked about getting back at Lisa for what she’d done to her apartment and clothes. All the way I told Panther to be patient, to wait a little while longer.
I told her about the commotion at Shutters.
Panther said, “China Doll had an attack of the sticky fingers in Freeman’s room.”
“What all she take?”
“All she could. I told her to just get the briefcase. Her rougish butt.”
“Don’t think that matters too much right now. What’s done is done.”
“Regrets?”
“I’m accumulating regrets every time I breathe.”
My car was right where I left it. Had a parking ticket to go along with the dirt and bricked-out window. Panther popped her trunk. I took Freeman’s briefcase from her ride and put it inside my trunk. Stared at it for a moment. Tried the lock. Decided not to break it open.
I told her, “Don’t go back to your place.”
“Why not?”
“Won’t be safe. Get a room. Call me.”
She asked, “Where you rolling?”
“Have to see a man about a horse.”
“I’m going.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“You gonna have to trust me.”
“That’s a million-dollar prize, Driver.”
I nodded.
She said, “I should go with you.”
I shook my head. “They might follow me.”
She asked, “You know how they’re doing it?”
I told her.
She bit her lip.
I pulled her to me. Kissed her. Looked in her brown eyes and saw that she didn’t trust me, not on the level I needed her to. Money put that kinda barrier between people. I couldn’t ask her to trust me. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Didn’t know what I would have to do.
We kissed and kissed and kissed.
She said, “When this is done, maybe we can go to the museums, jazz cafés, hook up and do all the touristy sightseeing stuff. Haven’t really done any of that since I’ve been out here.”
“Sure.”
“Picnics?”
“Cool.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“Cross your heart and hope to die, stick a needle in your eye?”
“Yeah. All that.”
She smiled at all of my lies. She was a smart woman, read my face, knew it was all a front. We were talking about tomorrow because we didn’t think there would be one, not for me.
Lisa had destroyed all Panther’s