and disappeared in the bush, holding a bag of the things that made them happy.
Billy and I splashed in the water along the shore of the beach, throwing rocks into the water.
“You’re so good at throwing,” he said with a smile. “I wish you were here all the time, Charlotte. We would have so much fun. It gets lonely in that house all day.”
“I know what you mean,” I told him. “I get lonely too.”
“But you’re not lonely with me, right?”
“No, Billy.”
We played tag until we were breathless, and as it got darker, we set up towels over the hard rocks and laid down, shoulder to shoulder, staring up at the clouds in the moving sky. He held my hand and squeezed, talking to me about castles and dragons and the games he played at school with his friends.
“You should ask your dad to come here more. My friend has a pit in the backyard and we roast marshmallows sometimes. It would be so awesome if you were there.”
“I’ll ask my dad,” I promised.
When our stomachs growled, he snuck back to the car and grabbed a bag of chips. We feasted with our feet in the water, laughing every time an otter popped its head up nearby.
The day was the best I’d had in a long time.
Billy was so carefree, so beautiful under the dying light.
I remember looking at him, seeing his beautiful smile.
I remember the way it vanished when Paul came up from behind him and beat the side of his head in with his fist, scolding him for not hearing him call out for him.
I looked at Billy now, aware he knew exactly the thoughts my mind had ventured down. My eyes misted at the memory, and he just smiled softly.
“See?” he said. “Not so bad, was I?”
What is wrong with me?
Penny let out a cry and I hurried to her. He never bothered me when I was with her. She was my sanctuary, a place of peace where my mind relaxed. Leftover traumas of the past took a backburner when she was my whole focus. Maybe that was why she never slept. Maybe I was so restless, I kept her up with my prodding, pleading for more peace.
Pleading to stop thinking of the way Billy’s head looked the day Conor beat him to death.
Time.
Time goes on.
She cooed and flipped around. I watched excitedly as she learned to use her knees and hands. She crawled, unbalanced at first, but she looked so giddy.
On my knees, I clapped at her, praising her.
She smiled up at me. A searing gummy smile that I wanted to eat up.
“Come to me, angel, come to mommy.”
She gasped and fell and went back to scooting her fat little belly toward me. I fell to the floor and scooped her up into my arms, kissing the back of her fuzzy head.
Ah, this was bliss.
This was sweet, beautiful bliss.
“Mama is so proud of you.”
And I was. God, I was. I held her tight to me, sniffing back tears. This love I harboured for this little soul was endless. My heart had holes in it. I felt guilty experiencing this alone, knowing he deserved to be right here with me.
“Dad would be so proud too,” I told her.
It was important she knew he existed every step of the way.
By the end of her first year of life, I had a pile of unpaid bills and an even longer pile of eviction notices. Sent from Dave Thames’ attorney, I had been given sixty days’ notice to vacate the premises. The home, I was informed, was in Dave Thames’ name. The bastard claimed he had been left with everything after his brother’s death, though Conor had been so sure the house was all that had been left to him.
The final note I received in the mail was from Dave himself, and it read:
It was in the purpose of peace I let Conor in the house for as long as I did. Then it was mercy for you and your child. Now I collect. I will fight for it in court if need be, but let’s not get nasty, Miss Miles. It will end up costing on your end, and I’m well aware your funds are running low. You are leeching off my goodwill and it ends now.
It would end up costing, he said. Warning me I’d be spending money I didn’t have. The asshole didn’t have to send me anything. I had already been looking for a new home.