I wasn’t going to pretend this didn’t devastate me. Conor and I had put so much work in this house. He had poured money into it, too. So much. He sold his apartment in the centre of town and put every penny he profited from that sale into it. I had no means to fight this. I was aware Conor had a stack of gold hidden on the property somewhere, but I couldn’t find it, and I felt dirty even trying. What the hell did I even know about bullion exchange, anyway?
The savings I’d had from work before giving birth and from Conor’s final car sale was coming to an end. I needed to return to work, which meant I needed to place Penny in a daycare. It was stressful because finding a place in town wasn’t easy, and if they were in my price range it meant the location left much to be desired.
It was the first time I had to confront I was out of my depth. That I was truly young and inexperienced with the world.
The stress kept me up at nights. I needed help, but I didn’t have the courage to ask for it. Jem had been around often enough to help me out with Penny. He took me to appointments and helped with the groceries, but at the same time he was busy too. I couldn’t keep sponging off his goodwill.
Megan had been promoted to night shift manager at the hospital and the responsibility had turned her into an introvert. She tried her hardest to see Penny whenever she could, but she could hardly keep up a conversation, and there was never an opportunity to tell her, “hey, Dave is threatening to fight me for the house, and I’m on the verge of homelessness.”
She would take me in, I knew that. Megan was a giving woman, but Ember had fallen into bad times and was living with her now, and her daughter Lily was there too. They were their own clique, I felt it every time I had come around with Penny. Megan never tried to ostracize me, but I never quite fit in.
Everyone had their own lives, their own stresses. I wanted to at least attempt to get as far ahead as I could without reaching for help until the last possible second. Only time was dwindling on by and I was getting scarily close to that point.
One night I lay awake thinking about it all. My heart squeezed and my stomach turned. The anxiety was going to be the death of me. I rolled over and watched Penny sleep beside me. She was lost to the world, her small frame unmoving. She was refusing the crib now and demanding my company at all hours of the night. So, I pushed the bed against the wall (with the help of Jem), and she slept between it and me. It worked out in the end; the bed was huge, and she barely stirred when she knew I was close-by. I didn’t let Megan know this. She would have disapproved and given me the eye of judgment for taking her out of the crib. And as much as I adored Megan, she still scared the shit out of me sometimes with her stern looks.
I wasn’t strong enough to tell her this was what I wanted or stand up to my way of parenting. I wasn’t strong in myself and I often let her scold me. I felt inadequate, like I had nothing to show in life, so I let certain remarks slide on by. Just last week, I let Ember look me over critically, asking me whether I knew my hair had split ends and how out of date my clothing was. Every night since then I’d thought of things I could have said in response. Of course, I’d never voice them because that ship had sailed, but why didn’t I have more of a backbone?
What happened to me?
Was I always such a pushover?
Was that why Billy preyed on me when I moved into the house with him?
These questions were unanswerable.
But anyway, Penny was happier in bed with me, and maybe I liked not sleeping alone too. The bed was too big, and sometimes I still turned around expecting to bump into a big chest and strong arms. God, I dreamed of it.
Conor would have told Ember to fuck off. He would have told his mom to mind her own business, and he would have backed