that flashed in his expression. It came and went so quickly. I knew a look like that. I knew it like the back of my hand.
His words sank into me.
My stirring slowed and I felt a little weak.
“I didn’t know,” I replied, hesitantly.
He had a girl. Had.
Jesus, I didn’t know.
“Yeah, well.” He still lingered there, looking unsure now.
“What was her name?” I asked.
“Addison.”
I wanted to ask him what happened, but that was too quick, too personal. There was a heavy sadness in the air now. Keeping it simple, I remarked as best I could, “Beautiful name, Jem.”
He nodded and then shrugged, glancing at me again. “I wasn’t trying to be a dick last night, Char. It’s just…it was pushing my limit. You were asking for an impossible thing.”
I nodded in understanding. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed it. I should have accepted it –”
“You didn’t know, and that’s alright. I’m just explaining that it was hard for me to take her and…relive something in my past. It…It had nothing to do with you, Charlotte. When I…” he paused, searching for words, looking conflicted. “When I get angry, or when I feel challenged, I shut down. I push people away and I say some shit I don’t mean. I know I’ve been an asshole from the start, but it’s only to keep certain people away.”
“What people?”
“Good people. People like you. People who talk…feelings. It’s easier to stay shut off with my kind of people. It’s…simpler.”
God, I felt guilty. I shouldn’t have called him. I couldn’t imagine the pain he must have endured looking after Penny and being reminded of his own girl. I spent a second just imagining what losing Penny would feel like, and I couldn’t stomach it.
“I get it with Conor,” he said just then with a look like he was coming to peace with something. “I didn’t get it when it came to you. He threw everything to the wayside like it didn’t mean a damn thing. I was so angry at him. But…seeing Penny up there, and seeing you with her, I get what he was fighting for. I guess along the way I tried to bury the heavy shit deep, and I could have been more understanding. I don’t know.”
I tried not to get emotional. It took everything in me to swallow the lump in my throat and act casual. I took a few steps to the island and set the mug down. Talking about Conor made my legs wobbly. I stared at the monitor and blinked back tears.
“I don’t know why Billy showed up that day,” I whispered, brokenly. “It makes no sense, does it?” I felt Jem’s eyes on me, and when he didn’t answer, I shrugged weakly. “He was away for so long, I don’t know what changed. What sort of punishment is this, Jem?”
He stayed quiet, but his brows were furrowed like he was thinking about it. When you put aside the missing Conor part and looked at the whole picture, it didn’t make sense. I had dissected that day every night before I fell asleep. Billy had come out of nowhere, and he had been completely unhinged. More unhinged than he had been already.
“I tried talking about it to Megan,” I muttered, unable to hold back now. “I told her Billy was mental, but it had been way out of the norm for him. She just thought he snapped.”
“What do you think?” he asked.
“I think something pushed him.”
“Something or someone?”
I shrugged again. “God, I don’t know. Maybe someone was in his ear.”
“Like Reid?”
I felt a shiver run down my spine at the mention of his name. Reid was poison. Seeing him around town was inevitable, and while I pretended he didn’t exist every time that rarity happened, I felt his eyes on me. I never felt good about it, but he still didn’t strike me as sinister enough to convince Billy to come back around again. I didn’t even think Reid knew the extent of what Billy did until after he’d died.
“Maybe,” I finally whispered. “But I don’t think so.”
He nodded, taking in my words, actually listening to me. I hadn’t felt heard in so long. It was so good to talk to someone about this. About Conor. About Reid and Billy and that day. Megan didn’t like that conversation, and Laura tip-toed around the topic like it might trigger me.
Don’t get me wrong, I was emotional and fragile, but I could handle talking about Billy. Maybe it would drive