he circled his body so his back kept facing me. When I got to my room, I collapsed in bed, blacking out before my head even hit the pillow.
I ended up sleeping six hours straight. I woke up to the sunlight pouring through the window and found Jem had set the baby monitor on the night table beside me. Thinking he had left, I quietly left the room and checked in on her. She was sleeping soundlessly. I knew this form. She was out hard, like she’d finally given up the fight. To my complete surprise, beside the crib, Jem was on the rocking chair with his arms crossed, dead asleep.
He had stayed.
I had plucked him out of work and pleaded for his help and he had listened. Hard as nails as he was, I knew right then I had someone who was going to be there helping me through the fog. I breathed for the first time in a long time, and the weight on my shoulders didn’t feel so heavy.
The room was still dark, so I left them to sleep. I changed into loose pants and a baggy top. I washed my face and put my hair up, staring at my reflection for the first time without feeling like I was racing around. As my eyes lapped up the face staring back at me, I smiled sadly. I didn’t look the same. I…I wasn’t a girl anymore.
The last year had aged me. I felt…older inside.
I didn’t know what growing up too fast meant. Throughout my pregnancy the nurse had warned me how much a baby would change things. I thought she had meant the normal things. Like having no sleep, or not being able to go out whenever I wanted to. But it was so much more than that. My spirit was altered. Caring for another human being put things in perspective. The shit that mattered before seemed so little and trivial now.
Keeping a baby alive was more than just feeding and cleaning up shit and vomit. It was providing warmth, both physically and emotionally.
Looking away, I paced the house, quickly tidying up. In the kitchen, I cleared off the countertops and packed away a week’s worth of dishes into the dishwasher. It was cathartic being ahead of the curve than behind. Housework was no joke, and I was certainly not a domestic goddess.
I was brewing coffee when I heard heavy footsteps approach.
I turned just as Jem entered the kitchen. His hair was in all directions and he looked like he slept for a whole minute last night.
“You got the monitor?” he asked, the sleepiness heavy in his voice.
I nodded. “On the island.”
He glanced at the island where it sat, showing Penny in bed, still dead asleep. I watched him carefully as he nodded back at me and ran a hand over his face, smoothing out the tired lines.
“She’s a handful,” he remarked, gruffly. “I see what you mean about needing help.”
I smiled softly. “It wasn’t just about the sleep.”
He glanced at me briefly, determined not to look at me long. “I know.”
“Thank you, Jem.” My gratitude couldn’t be showed with words. “I need to repay you for taking her last night.”
He shook his head, dismissing me. “No, I don’t want anything.”
“I can make you dinner –”
“Charlotte,” he cut in severely, flashing me his solemn eyes. “I said no.”
I swallowed, feeling embarrassed for pushing it. Pretending to be interested in the coffee, I turned away and fetched a mug from the cabinet. I heard him shuffle his feet around, knowing very soon he would be leaving.
“You want coffee?” I offered, knowing the answer already.
“No.”
“Okay.”
I mean, he drank coffee. I’d seen him guzzle it before. Clearly, my coffee wasn’t good enough. I was kinda offended. Like…at least try a cup. Don’t just write off my coffee making skills.
Alas, I was getting a little carried away.
I poured myself a cup, acutely aware he was still behind me, and I didn’t know how to bridge the awkwardness. Jem was a puzzle to crack. Stirring the creamer in with a tiny spoon, I turned around to say something mundane to him when he beat me to it.
“I have a girl,” he said, looking straight at me. He didn’t look so annoyed anymore. He swallowed thickly as his eyes flashed to the monitor again. Something dark passed through them. “I had a girl…” he amended in a whisper, speaking to himself now.
My heart took a nosedive in my chest at the wretched look