I’d seen at rare times. He wasn’t a good person in the slightest. He was every shade of wrong, and he never tried to hide it. Next to Conor he was the most honest man I’d ever encountered. Unlike Locke, who hid truths behind an impossible to read exterior, Jem laid it out there and made your place in his life known. It, too, was magnetizing.
“What am I doing here, Charlotte?” he demanded, his voice hardly above a whisper now.
“I told you, I need help.”
“I can’t help you.”
Penny began stirring. I heard her quiet whimpers on the screen and let out a tired sigh. Her teething was going to be the death of me. I stood up on tired legs and stared directly at him with all my walls down. Goddammit, I let him see me, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Because it meant letting him know my weaknesses. He saw my hurt and all my ugly. And I needed compassion. I needed to know it still existed in this black town with its black beating heart.
“You were a brother to Conor,” I said, my vulnerability present. “I want you to be a brother to me too, Jem. I need your help, and it isn’t for my sake, but for Penny’s sake too. I can’t do this alone. I tried, Jem, and I’ve got nobody to lean on.”
I felt his reluctance. His spine went straight, and he looked like he wanted to run as far away from me as possible, especially when he heard Penny’s soft cries as she flipped herself around on her belly and lifted her head.
“I’ll be right back.”
I walked past him and ran up the stairs. I knew he would flee the second I disappeared. I entered Penny’s room and picked her up. She clung to me, digging her fingers into my chest as her mouth opened greedily. I sat down on the rocking chair next to her bed and breast fed her. Midway through the feed, I heard the front door slam, and my shoulders slumped in despair. He left when I needed him the most. I cried softly, questioning my purpose, questioning whether I was fit enough to be a mom in the state I was in. The hole I was in was so dark and deep, and I was truly alone.
Maybe I needed pills.
Maybe there was something I could use to numb myself. To stop this hurt.
I needed to be a better mother. I needed to be there for Penny, and I wasn’t going to accomplish that by drowning in all this black hurt. But I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know how to navigate this path in the darkness.
I needed help.
I closed my eyes, feeling the sharp pain of Conor’s absence cutting into my chest. Tears flowed down my cheeks. I felt Penny stirring as she was coated in them. I opened my eyes to wipe them off her when I saw the figure standing by the bedroom door, and I stilled.
Jem was leaning against the doorway, arms crossed, looking defeatedly at me. I didn’t know how long he had been standing there, but the shock of his presence made more tears fall. I felt my heart squeeze in relief. As Penny began to whimper and throw her head around, he pushed off the doorway and came to us.
“Okay, Charlotte,” he whispered down at me, his hard eyes staring into my own with acceptance. Then he gently took Penny from me, holding her in perfect form in his arms. He paced the room and rocked her. He kept his back to me, and I couldn’t help but feel it was intentional. He didn’t want me to see him in this way.
For the first time in a long time I let out a long breath. My body relaxed into the chair as I watched them. It felt strange not having her in my arms. It felt strange to have help. She took to him immediately, cooing softly, her belly full, her movements slow.
“Go to bed, Charlotte,” he demanded. “I know you need me, but now’s not a good time. Get some sleep, and I’ll wake you at the next feed.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, holding my breath in case he pulled out.
“Just go.” His tone was flat.
I might have lingered around if I wasn’t so tired, but I could barely keep my eyes open a moment longer. I got up and left the room, and