room is cold because I keep the window open all the time. Something smells god-awful in here, and I still haven’t found the source of it. Probably the mattress. Or maybe the floorboards. It’s not piss, not shit, not blood, but maybe a mixture of all three? I don’t want to think about it tonight. The fresh air coming from outside isn’t that fresh either. It’s always full of dust. But what the fuck difference does any of it make?
I don’t even bother turning on the light as I kick off my shoes, take off my skirt, and pull off my bra without taking off my tank top. Then I get under the covers, which thankfully smell of me and no one else.
My hand hits something as I burrow my arm under the pillow to get comfortable. It rustles. A piece of paper? What the fuck?
I grab it and go back to the door to turn on the light since the ceiling one is the only light in this room. It’s a small piece of paper covered by Stormi’s large letters.
I’m levaing tonight. Going acbk to Vegas. I will wiat for you tehre. We can hide togehter.
Back in school, her dyslexia got better with time and practice, but it seems to be back full-force now. The message is clear despite her jumbled up words. She left me here alone! Left me to face the Sinners all on my own!
I don’t know whether to cry or scream or rage and break things.
Couldn’t she have just told me?
Couldn’t she have just asked me to come along?
Did we really grow so far apart that she couldn’t?
I did talk a lot about the two of us needing to find a place for ourselves among the Sinners. I did often suggest she get friendly with Horse. Did say I’m doing the same with Piston because it’s our only way to survive.
I’m shivering, my teeth chattering from standing in the cold room in nothing but my underwear. I should pack up and run. I should leave tonight, right now. I should.
But where would I go?
I haven’t felt this trapped, since I was in my teens, stuck in a small apartment with a mom who was slowly, but surely losing her mind, and the latest in the string of bad men she brought home to take care of her. I should’ve left then. But I didn’t.
Just like I won’t tonight.
Better the devil you know. The devil you know is always better. What happened to Josh taught me that. I should’ve stayed with Monarch. I should’ve stayed with my mom.
I know the Sinners. I don’t know what waits in the cold, dark night outside.
Brenda
I haven’t slept for more than a couple of hours at a stretch since I got here, and last night was no exception. It’s a good thing, since that way, I’m usually up before everyone else. This morning wasn’t so great. I woke up still clutching Stormi’s note and the first thing I did when I remembered everything was yell, “Fuck her!” and throw it across the room.
Then I tried to get back to sleep, but it wasn’t happening. What the fuck am I gonna do all alone here, surrounded by men who hate me? It was Stormi’s deal that we get paid as a way to work off the money we stole from them. But now she’s gone. Are they gonna honor it, or just sell me to the highest bidder? Horse’s obsession with Stormi was the thing that kept us relatively safe. When he finds out she’s gone, he’s gonna take it out on the closest thing to her he can. Me. What the fuck was I thinking not splitting right away last night?
As soon as that thought lights in my head, I throw my comforter off and spring out of bed. I grab the first pair of jeans I can find, pull them on with one hand, the other already reaching for my bra. I’m dressed in record time. The light outside is bright white, but I don’t think the sun’s really up yet. With just a drop of luck, none of the Sinners will be up and about yet. I dare not pack a bag, there’s nothing here that I want to take with me anyway. Except for the money I’ve managed to save in these last few months. It’s not a lot, since they didn’t give me a lot, and I gave some of it back to try and be