do so. He never did. He was always happy to leave that to his older, more serious brother.
The weight of leadership was weighing on him.
He hadn't been sleeping, judging from the bags under his eyes. And I wasn't sure the last time he had come down from the room to have a full meal when someone stopped bashing heads long enough to cook, or, more often, when I threw something quick together, needing to feel useful in some way.
Sure, I acted as a guard on my shifts. But, so far, there had been no signs that anyone had been around, that anyone was looking to invade. Which left me feeling useless.
But the men had to come back to eat.
So I made sure there was something for them to fuel up on before heading back out.
I made sure the prospects kept the place clean, did the laundry, stocked us up on groceries and first aid supplies.
I did what I could.
And then I did the fucking thinking thing. And as the hours passed, the more those thoughts seemed to drift toward Eva.
And that kiss.
And her open invitation to let me into her life.
It was the worst time.
And I had no business being interested in a woman outside of this world, or possibly dragging her into it, but I also couldn't seem to make myself ignore her text when it rolled in later that night. I couldn't stop myself, when my shift was over, when the food was eaten, when I was alone in my bed, from answering her back.
I was just about to pass out when I got another ding.
But when I looked at the screen, it wasn't Eva's name there. It was Jelena's.
- I like her.
-- You shouldn't be up this late. Go to bed.
- One of the babies is crying. I can't sleep. But I like her. Eva.
-- Baby girl, we are not having this discussion.
- Right now? Or ever?
-- I haven't decided yet.
- Aunt Freddie said she liked her too.
-- Aunt Freddie shouldn't be talking to you about this kind of thing.
- I'm not a little girl anymore.
It never stopped feeling like a kick to the chest when she said that. And when I had to agree that she was right.
No, she wasn't a little girl anymore.
And I had to keep that in mind.
-- I know, Jelly. I just don't think this is the time.
- To date? Or to talk about it?
-- Both. Either.
- Fine. I'm going to bed.
-- Goodnight, baby.
I got no response. I didn't expect one. She was a go-with-the-flow kind of kid most of the time, but once in a blue moon, she could be a stubborn-ass as well. She wanted me to give Eva a shot. And while I would never even think about going into a relationship without running it by my kid, I also had to make sure where my head was at, where Eva's head was at, if this was just a casual flirtation, or something more, before I decided to bring my kid in on the matter. Doing it before then would only leave her disappointed, and me feeling guilty for making her feel that way.
Things needed to be right if I was finally going to date after all this time. Maybe especially so because I had chosen not to do so for so long. Jelly had never experienced anything like this, and might get it in her head that Eva was going to be a new mother figure to her before Eva and I knew where each other's head was at.
I didn't want to do that to Jelena. I know that, while she had always had a tight relationship with me, she'd always wanted a mother. Of course she did. All little girls did. Freddie coming back into our lives had helped fill that void, but I think we all knew it wasn't the same. She wanted someone right there in the house that she could turn to, rely on, confide in. While I wanted to always be that person for her, I understood that she was growing up, that some things weren't as comfortable for her to discuss with me anymore.
So I only wanted her in on the specifics of my relationship when I knew it was heading somewhere serious.
And it just wasn't the time for serious, I reminded myself as I heard bikes rumble in, the clomping footsteps of tired, defeated feet, knowing my brothers were coming back empty-handed again.
The hopelessness of the situation was thick in the