of absence. But I’m definitely leaning toward taking it.”
She paused. “You did decide, Mav. When you took that leave of absence, you already knew. We all did. You’re not coming back to work at Epsilon. Why do you think I was so pissed? My therapist said denial, but whatever. Go with that if it makes you happy.”
“Maybe.”
“Doesn’t matter, anyway. The job is gone.”
I sat up straighter. “What?”
“I gave it to José.”
“José?” I cried.
“He’ll kill it, and you know it. You bloody trained the man.”
I closed my eyes. An unexpected rush of relief pulsed through me. José would kill it. He was made for the CRO position. He had a drive that I didn’t. A love for corporate culture and all its weirdness at times. Despite my own ego, Mallory had made the right move. That meant I didn’t have to go back. There was no proving myself there anymore.
With the elation came a heaping side of guilt.
“I’m sorry, Mal. I shouldn’t have left you hanging.”
“Mav, you needed an out. I get it, all right? This world isn’t for everyone, and you’ve been looking strangled for a while, anyway. Ever since your dad’s suicide, you’ve—”
“Stop. Stop saying it.”
“No.”
My hand gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles.
“He died, Maverick. He took his own life because he was in more pain than any of us could ever comprehend. Avoiding the issue is not going to change it.”
I forced my jaw to relax before my teeth cracked. Trust Mallory to say it outright when the rest of us skirted the issue like old professionals.
Which, admittedly, could have been part of the problem.
“You know what else?” she said. “It had nothing to do with you, either.”
“It did.”
The words came out of me so fast they startled us both.
She let out a long breath. “Why do you think that?”
“Because I did everything he didn’t want me to do.” I pushed my palm into the steering wheel, grateful for some kind of hard feedback. “I focused on my grades instead of playing football. I didn’t take Kelly Jones to the high school prom, even though Dad thought she was perfect. I joined the ROTC and became an officer instead of going to medical school. Then I blew up my leg in an IED and effectively crippled myself. Just like him. I was everything he never wanted me to be. The biggest disappointment.”
My hands shook. I’d never said these things out loud. Bethany had pushed them to the forefront of my mind too much for me to hold them back now. Even though it sounded insane, I couldn’t help the child-like fear that churned deep in my gut.
Dad’s suicide was on my conscience.
“Dammit, Maverick. Is that what you’ve always thought? Is that why you’re always running away when things get good or big? It’s like you’re afraid to be happy.”
“No. It’s what I’ve always known. Dad had expectations of me. I disappointed them at every turn.”
Mallory hesitated, and in that long pause, I gripped the phone so hard my fingers ached. But I couldn’t let it go, because it felt like all I had left.
“There was a letter,” she finally said.
My brow furrowed. “What?”
“Your dad left a letter.”
“No, he didn’t.”
“He did.”
Stunned, I sat there for a full fifteen seconds. “Mom . . . Mom never told me that. She said . . . ”
Well, she’d never really said anything about it.
“She never told any of you boys. I only found out by accident. She was signing something for me, and I saw it and—that doesn’t matter. You know how she is. Regardless, she didn’t want you to know because of what it said. So, I’m going to risk my own life and potentially make her angry with me and tell you that the note said he thought he had failed you. He felt like a failure as a parent, unable to run with you. To tackle you while you practiced football in the backyard. To . . . help you learn to walk again when you lost your leg. The very same thing you’re feeling now is what your dad felt when he took his own life.”
A long silence passed. It felt as if all the blood had drained from my head. I couldn’t speak. Didn’t know what to say.
“Mav, is it true? Did he fail you just because he didn’t have use of his legs?”
Dizzy, I closed my eyes. “No,” I whispered. “Not at all.”
“The note said that he was so proud of you, his five sons.