feeling lined with sand. ‘I can’t—’ he muttered. Then he cleared his throat. ‘I can’t commit myself tonight.’
‘OK,’ whispered Vivvi.
Too wired to sleep after the call ended, Nico lay on the sofa and, on his phone, pulled up a list of typical symptoms of substance abuse. His heart had been doing a lot of sinking but this weighed it down further. Withdrawal from responsibility was high on the list.
Yep. He was becoming excruciatingly aware.
Chapter Ten
On Sunday, Nico had a lot to think about. On automatic, he began the day with the porridge he’d neglected to make the day before while chatty Josie entertained her sister. Nico watched them play with pastel-coloured magnetic building blocks Josie had found in the back of a cupboard.
What the hell was he going to do? His mum was right: Maria wasn’t his responsibility – but he didn’t have the stomach for handing his daughter’s sister over to the state.
Josie kept asking about Loren like a police officer trying to catch him out in an inconsistency. ‘Where’s Mum gone?’
‘She’s staying with Grandma and Grandpa till she’s feeling better. Grandpa’s recovering after his operation so we’re helping out with Maria.’ Yes, they all hoped Mum would get better. Same for Grandpa. Yes, Grandma did have a lot on her plate at the moment. But, yes, Mum would get better.
Maria listened, glancing between Josie and Nico as if checking they were still there.
After his thoughts going round in circles for most of the morning, Nico realised he knew someone to talk to, someone with a wealth of experience. Nan Heather, Rob and Hannah’s grandmother, had fostered many children. Correctly assuming an elderly lady would have a landline, he ascertained her number from thephonebook.bt.com and called her up while the girls played in the lounge.
He found he didn’t have to remind her who he was. She wore her ninety years lightly.
‘Can I help you?’ Nan Heather’s voice reminded him of a chesty mouse.
‘Hope so.’ He plunged into the story of how Maria had come to be staying with him again and what had been asked of him. ‘I’m frying my brain, trying to decide what to do,’ he ended ruefully.
‘Hmm,’ said Nan. ‘You’ve talked of responsibility but you must also be pragmatic. Maria’s birth dad isn’t in the picture?’
Maria’s dad. Loren’s lover. To Nico he’d never had an actual name. ‘Only financially. He’s never met Maria and I’m told Loren doesn’t have contact details.’
Nan Heather grunted. ‘Social services will have! But let’s assume it’s not possible for him to help. Maria’s mum and grandparents can’t look after her. Do you care for her?’
His neck tightened. Was Nan Heather one of those who viewed single dads as second best when it came to childcare? ‘Take care of her, do you mean? I think I do OK.’
‘I’m sure. But, care. You know. Hold in affection,’ she asked gently. ‘The overriding need for any child is to be safe and well cared for.’
His stomach somersaulted as the various meanings of the English word ‘care’ dawned. When he’d read the phrase ‘well cared for’ he’d always assumed it related to food and shelter. Being safe from abuse. He had to sit down as he realised that he didn’t just care for Maria … he cared about her. Not just if she was shut in her room, not just whether her stomach was empty but whether it was tied in knots of fear. The reason he couldn’t bear to think of her going to strangers – including her birth dad – was that he cared whether she felt happy. He swallowed. ‘It’s hard not to. She’s a cute, engaging little thing.’
The creaky voice on the other end of the phone softened. ‘Then before you decide if you should look after her you need to establish: can you? You won’t want to take her from one iffy, unsettled situation to another. If that were to be the case, you might have to consider letting her settle with experienced fosterers until it’s established to what extent Loren will be in her life.’
‘Right,’ he murmured, shaken by quite this much pragmatism. ‘You don’t think her being with Josie is valuable?’
‘Very,’ she said promptly. ‘And social services usually want to keep siblings together if possible, too. But it’s only one consideration. Can you arrange your life to accommodate Maria?’
Nico deliberated. ‘Childcare would be tricky. I’m already having trouble covering Josie’s needs since Loren can’t take her at all now, my cousin Emelie wants to move out and Tilly,