somewhere. We just have to find it.”
I walked past him to start looking, but he grabbed my hand, stopping me.
“Thank you.” It was soft and heartfelt, and my stomach felt like it had a thousand butterflies in it.
I didn’t know what to say, so I smiled, hoping he knew that I was more than happy to do this with him, and tugged him towards the waiting Christmas trees.
It took us another forty minutes of looking, but we found the perfect tree. One of the first ones I’d picked out, but Finn obviously didn’t remember, and I wasn’t going to be an arsehole and point it out. He was so happy, no way was I doing anything to wipe that smile off his face.
“I’m sorry it took so fucking long.” With his cheeks pink from the cold, huge grin and eyes alight with excitement, he looked anything but sorry.
He looked gorgeous.
“It’s fine.” I ducked my head before I gave myself away and grabbed the bottom of the tree as he got the top and lifted it with a grunt. “I just hope it fits in the car.”
It was a tight squeeze, but we got it in and home with relatively no problem.
Angus was waiting in the window when we carried the tree to the back door. He watched, utterly unimpressed with the latest addition to the house.
“Where do you want it?” I asked, shutting the door behind me so Angus didn’t get out.
“Um . . .” Finn frowned, obviously not having thought past getting the tree. “Actually, leave it here for the time being. I need to get the stand out of the garage.”
While he went to do that, I kicked my shoes off and went to put the kettle on. My hands were like ice, despite having the heater on full blast in the car.
This called for hot chocolate.
When Finn came back in with the stand, I helped him set the tree in it while the kettle boiled. He was just cutting through the netting as I brought our drinks into the living room.
“Wow.” I stopped in the doorway. “It really is a beautiful tree.” I’d kind of lost the will to live by the time he’d decided on this one, but now it was unpacked and in its stand, I could appreciate how lovely it was.
The branches were evenly spread out, not too thin at the top or too thick at the bottom. He had it in the bay window, and I imagined coming back on an evening to fairy lights twinkling, welcoming me home.
I loved Christmas.
Guilt hit me unexpectedly as I thought about my mum’s tree. I’d not even been round to see it, which was shitty of me. She’d probably been looking forward to having me home for the holidays, and I’d just fucked off. I had my reasons, but I was beginning to think it was more me than her boyfriend.
“Hey.” Finn stood in front of me and took one of the hot chocolates. I hadn’t even noticed him come over. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I was just thinking about my mum.”
He waited for me to elaborate. I didn’t want to admit I’d behaved like a spoilt bastard, especially not to Finn, but I liked how honest we’d been with each other lately. Telling him anything other than the truth felt wrong. “I haven’t been round to see her tree. She’s had it a week, probably decorated her whole house, and I haven’t been round to see any of it.” I set my mug on the coffee table and sank onto the sofa with a sigh. “We used to decorate it together with a drink, got a bit pissed one year . . .
“I wasn’t here last year, but I still FaceTimed her to see it.” I rested my face on my hands, wondering what had got into me lately. “I don’t recognise myself sometimes. I don’t want her to be on her own, I want her to be happy, so why aren’t I over the moon that she’s got Clive? Why is it so fucking hard for me to be around them in that house?”
Finn bit his lip like he was holding back what he really wanted to say.
I huffed out a laugh. “I’m being a wanker, aren’t I? A jealous wanker who doesn’t like it now he’s not the centre of his mum’s attention anymore.”
“I wouldn’t use those words exactly.” He sat down next to me and nudged my knee with his. “But do you think