oddly enough that had been what helped me now.
Ryan kept his retirement funds intact. I got the house. We’d been making double payments for as long as I could remember, and the remaining principle was negligible. Even I could manage the payments, assuming I didn’t work at the rink for the rest of my life.
I studied the clock and wished our appointment was early rather than later. I’d accepted the fact our marriage was really and truly over, I just didn’t want to think about it any longer than I had to.
Realizing I had time to kill, I decided to get comfortable, make some coffee, and find a way to make the morning pass as quickly as possible.
When I reached for the security of Dad’s shirt, I hesitated, my fingertips a fraction of an inch from the well-worn fabric. I lifted the sleeve and pressed it to my face, inhaling deeply. After countless launderings, all traces of Dad’s scent were gone, just like Emma’s scent from her lock of hair, her booties, her gown.
Dad was gone. Emma was gone. Neither were coming back.
I dropped the sleeve, smoothing the fabric before I closed the closet door.
I knew I’d pull the shirt out from time to time, but it had seen me through the worst of things. Maybe the shirt and Dad’s book had been exactly what I’d needed to bring me here. To this moment.
I reached for the sweatshirt Ashley and Diane had given me and pulled it on. I caught my reflection in the mirror and smiled.
Goddess.
A laugh burst through my lips.
At least the kid believed in me. And Diane believed in me. Heck, Sophie Cooke and my family believed in me. I must be doing something right.
I touched my bracelet, tracing the outline of each bead starting at the clasp and working my way around in a circle.
The rainbow wasn’t perfect. Some segments of color were flawed and a few were misbeaded. A lot like me, actually.
Suddenly, I couldn’t think of a talisman more perfect for my day--or life--ahead.
o0o
Ryan and I stood outside the lawyer’s office, staring at each other awkwardly. The entire signing process had taken less than fifteen minutes and now all we had to do was wait and watch our mailboxes for the official document.
The late April day had grown warm, and a hot wind wound its way down the sidewalk, tumbling small potted plants, whipping brightly-colored flags, foretelling the storm to come.
I took inventory of Ryan’s features as we stared at each other, the uncomfortable silence stretching between us. There were new lines at the corners of his eyes, and if I wasn’t mistaken, he carried a little extra weight in his cheeks. His eyes lit with something I remembered from long ago, but couldn’t quite put my finger on.
I remembered how we used to laugh, how he would finish my jokes and I would finish his. I remembered how we used to be in sync, how we used to be in love.
When had we lost us?
Maybe we’d tried to get pregnant one too many times after we lost Emma. Or maybe we hadn’t tried enough. Maybe trying for a baby wasn’t the only thing we’d given up on. Somewhere along the way the unspoken thoughts had taken over. Lost in the silence, we’d let our life together slip away.
The corners of Ryan’s eyes turned down. I realized signing the papers had hurt him as much as it hurt me.
I found comfort in the fact it pained him to walk away from us--from me--after all these years.
“You look beautiful, Bernie.” His lips pulled into a crooked smile, but a shade of regret fell across his eyes. “Maybe this is what you needed.”
“What?” I frowned.
“To be alone.” His gaze widened. “Without me.”
I shook my head and let a disbelieving laugh slide across my lips. “No.”
Truth was, a part of me still wanted what we’d once had. I’d let our marriage die along with my spirit in the years following Emma’s death. It had taken losing Ryan and losing Dad to show me just how much I’d shut down inside.
Maybe I looked different because I’d finally given myself permission to live. Permission to survive. Permission to feel and love and laugh.
After all this time, I finally understood exactly what rainbow it was I needed to be chasing.
Me.
“Your toes are purple.” Ryan’s brows drew together, etching a deep line into his forehead as he glanced down at my feet.
In a toss-up between the boots and a new pair