of my belly urged me on. Had my finger flirting with the control toggle.
As if the pain had begun, I could hear that white noise. Like a hive of bees had taken up residence in my ears, the edges of my mind blurred. Softened.
Stop thinking about it and just do it, you pussy. Kill yourself so no one else has to be bothered by you. You’re nothing but a drain on your friends. Your family has already abandoned you. Ryker doesn’t understand you and never will. My inner asshole wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t thought before. Hadn’t felt before.
Think of the pain, Willow. It will be the last thing you feel. You’ll get to take that feeling with you into eternity. No one to look down on you. No one to judge you. Just you and the pain, the darkness said.
Tears fell from my eyes. I was so tired of trying to be the good girl. The girl who didn’t need pain to feel real. No one understood. Not really. They acted like they did, but they didn’t. They just wanted me to be normal. Whatever that meant.
Dom’s face shone in my mind. I’d hurt him. Damaged our relationship. Made him hate me. I pushed his image away. I deserved his coldness.
And Ryker mocked me with his gentleness. Tormented me with his soft caresses that showed me for the fraud I was. He’d promised me hell and only showed me heaven.
My thumb tripped the control toggle.
Chapter 30 – Ryker
My phone rang just as I was getting ready to pick it up and make a call. I smiled when I saw Willow’s name scroll across the screen. She’d reached out to me again. I intended for it to be at least a daily occurrence.
I hit the connect button. “Hey, cupcake. I was just getting ready to call you.”
A low, mechanical whine rose over the line. I could hear her breathing, slow. Measured.
The hairs rose on my arms as I waited for her to speak. “Willow?” I called. What the fuck was going on? A feeling of dread sank into my neck.
Nothing but that droning whine filled my ear.
I pulled the phone from my ear, checked to see if we were still connected. We were. I put the phone back up to my head. “Willow Chase,” I barked, putting steel in my voice.
Nothing. Nothing but a motor spinning in the background.
Something was very wrong. I plugged my free ear, prayed I would hear something from her.
“Why did you kiss me like that?” she asked finally. Her voice was monotone. Dolls had more animation.
Fuck. A fear like I’d only experienced once before tightened my belly. “Because I wasn’t thinking. I can give you what you need, Willow.”
Where the fuck is she? I needed to find her. Get to her before she did something unchangeable.
I put her on speaker phone and turned back to my computer. Pulling up our newest tracking software, I input her phone number and waited.
She gave a ragged sigh. “No. No one can.” It was a soft expression of acceptance.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Change her fucking mind, you asshole. You can’t lose her. Not like this, my inner voice bellowed.
I cleared my throat. “Yes, I can. I can give you pain, cupcake. Beautiful pain.” Hurry the fuck on! I wanted to scream and yell at the computer. All I could do was stare at the screen and pray I could keep her talking. Keep her with me just a little longer.
In that moment, I knew I was going to lose her. And lose more than just her being in my bed if I didn’t manage to find her. Somehow I knew it. She was going to do something to herself.
Chasing the pain I could give her would take her from me.
No. You’re not losing her. She cares, even if she can’t see that yet. You’re going to show her how good it can be. How good you can be.
I didn’t even bother arguing with myself. I’d been working my way to this moment since I’d gotten her voice mail last night. No one, minus Grams, had cared enough about me to make sure I’d gotten home okay. I wasn’t going to lose the only person who had. Not in this fucking lifetime.
She sobbed softly. It was so heavy with grief, it grabbed my throat and shook me to my core. “You kissed me so gently. That’s what you need, Ryker. You need a nice girl. One who enjoys gentle. Who needs