Changed by Fire (Phoenix Rising #6) - Harper Wylde Page 0,112
Just being away from the Lodge and free from all the memories—good and bad—helped me feel like I could breathe a little easier, but those dark thoughts were never fully gone. My depression runs through me like an underground river ready to flood me whenever something reminds me of Ally or triggers my guilt. Hell, sometimes I’d see the way Li Min was with Rini, and I’d resent that I didn’t know my mom. Or I’d watch Theo play with Molly and realize I could have had that. Other days, there wasn’t a reason. I could be having the best day, and then out of nowhere, I’d be right back underwater. It might not always seem like it, but being happy is a struggle for me.” I dared glancing around at the somber group, noting the range of emotions playing out their faces. “I’ve been on medication for a while, but the only thing that truly helps is to shift. Being in my Ceraptor form helps center me. Ground me. He feels pain differently, and he lends me his strength when I need it most. Then, when I saw the other side of my power, saw the way I could kill with it, it was like I couldn’t trust that part of myself anymore. It wrecked me. I felt like you’d all be better off without me. Like the universe was mocking me. A healer turned killer, no better than the ones who took my sister’s life.”
“No!” Nix launched herself onto my lap, throwing her arms around my neck. “That’s not true, and you can’t leave me, Twilight Sparkle,” she croaked, her tears hot as they hit the skin on my neck. “I won’t let you.”
I rubbed my hand down her back, receiving comfort as I gave it. “When I found out you were my true mate, I worried about what would happen if those feelings strengthened again like they did a few years ago. If I got to that point once more…” I swallowed hard, my grip on Nix tightening. “I worried that if I ever lost myself to those thoughts, it would reflect back and hurt you in some way.”
“It would hurt me,” she growled in my ear, but I shook my head.
“I meant like it would weaken you or you could die too. We know so little about true mates. I’m not like the rest of you. I’m ruled by my emotions in a way I don’t think any of you understand. When I realized that, I started to do research on mates. I was trying to figure out if my death would hurt all of you.”
“I don’t have the scientific answer for you, Ry, but your death—goddammit! Don’t you realize how unimaginable that is to me? To all of us?” Nix’s plea cut straight through me, her tears falling freely and dripping off the apples of her cheeks. “I don’t ever want to live without you, Ryder. I’ll cry with you or yell with you or whatever you need. But I won’t let you leave me.”
“Or me,” Hiro spoke up with a snarl.
“I never realized,” Damien started, his emotions bleeding through his tone. “I knew you struggled with depression sometimes. I’ve read that in you before, but I never realized how bad it was. That you didn’t have control over it. I should have… fuck. I should have pushed. I try so hard not to pry, but I’d never have left you to suffer alone if I’d known.” Gravel filled the Gargoyle’s throat and beseeching guilt brimmed in his eyes. “You really think we’d let you leave us?” Damien questioned. “You’re our brother. We’ll be here through anything. Do you feel…”
I sighed. “Suicidal? Not right now. I’m doing… better… coming to terms with my powers. I’ve been shifting a lot more lately. Besides, I have my niece to think of now—she’s going to need me once we find her—and I would never risk Nix,” I stated, resting my head against my mate and breathing her in as I attempted to control myself. “I could never hurt you, baby. Ever,” I whispered to her.
She pulled back, her dark eyes so broken I could have smacked myself for causing her that pain. “Ry, if you’re not happy, you need to let us know. We can’t change things if you don’t tell us.”
“So you’re not suicidal right now, but you are depressed,” Theo summarized, cocking his head and studying me intently from behind the frames of his glasses. His