Changed by Fire (Phoenix Rising #6) - Harper Wylde Page 0,111

His breathing was harsh and shaky under my hand, his chest heaving as I pulled him in tight, enveloping him in a hug.

“I’m sorry, brother,” I whispered in his ear. A cry broke from his throat, harsh, ragged, and raw as he wrapped his arms around me, returning the hug.

“I thought you, out of everyone, would hate me the most.” Joshua’s ragged confession was muffled by my shirt, the tears he’d let spill dampening the fabric.

Part of me wanted to hate him. To lash out at him. Even in my grief, though, I knew it wasn’t fair. My father had killed again and again under the Council’s orders, just as my grandfather had before him. Nix and Ryder both had blood on their hands, and with the commencement of this war, there wasn’t a single one of us who would be able to get through with that kind of innocence intact, not if we were all going to survive.

“You’re my brother now. We’ve all done things under the Council’s thumb that we regret. I won’t let them ruin this. Ruin our family. I don’t hate you, Joshua. You’re part of us.” My own tears joined his as we rocked side to side, burning the poison from the memories.

Nix’s gentle hands led us back to the floor as she climbed into my lap, her hands caressing first my chest then Joshua’s.

Thank you, she told me through the bond. I smiled, reached for her hand, and squeezed. This was family. Through anything and everything. Our pasts weren’t going to define us—these moments were.

Twenty-Five

Ryder

I was seriously regretting agreeing to this. Yes, I wanted to open up to Nix and make her feel more comfortable after everything she’d shared. I just hadn’t realized it would be this hard. I don’t think any of my brothers understood how many secrets I was keeping from them. I’d worked hard to create and maintain my goofy, playboy exterior. I was comfortable with that. I’d been wearing it for so long, it was truly a part of who I was. But there was a darkness inside me that yearned to get out. I wasn’t sure why I was surprised, then, that I had a dark side to my magic. It was just a reflection of what I hid. But which secret should I confess to? I didn’t want to be the one to say, ‘Uh, I hate peas.’ Part of me was surprised that we’d managed to keep so many secrets buried between us when we had a mind reader in the group, but maybe that was all on purpose. Damien didn’t go digging, and he’d taught us how to shield ourselves.

As all eyes turned to me, I shifted. My Ceraptor reared, crying out his encouragement. They had all shared a piece of themselves. It was my turn. “I’m not sure which one of my secrets to confess to,” I admitted, glancing up at Nix.

“Ry, you don’t have to say anything,” she murmured, her dark eyes soft as she smiled at me.

“I want to. I just… there’s a lot about me you don’t know. I don’t really know which part to admit to.” I worried the inside corner of my mouth, considering what to say. Fuck it. If we were showing it all, that was exactly what I was going to do. “A few years ago, I was planning the best way to kill myself,” I spat out, keeping my eyes trained on my hands as I clenched and unclenched them in my lap. At the gasps of shock that surrounded me, I shrugged, praying they wouldn’t interrupt. I wasn’t sure I’d have the courage to keep going. “I’m not like all of you. I’ve never been as strong. Ever since my sister went missing, I’ve been buried in depression and guilt. Every single day, I wondered why her and not me. Why didn’t I do more? Then, I met all of you, and I watched the way you were. How strong you all were. You take things as they come. You overcome them. I’m not like that. I get buried in worry, fear, and regret. It hits me harder and harder until just breathing hurts.”

I took a few deep breaths and drove my hand through my hair, enjoying the sharp tugs that grounded me and kept me talking. It would be so easy to shut down, to bury it all away from them. It felt… shameful to admit.

“Things got better when we moved out and started college.