Changed by Fire (Phoenix Rising #6) - Harper Wylde Page 0,106

though he didn’t look convinced.

Damien cupped Nix’s chin, capturing her gaze. “I love you. No matter what secrets we share.”

“I love you too. How could I think less of you for putting our family first? I’m just as selfish as you are,” she admitted. She pulled back from him, chewing on her lip. “With Scott…” She trailed off, wrapping her arms around her waist as she sorted through her words. My Kitsune hissed, wanting to embrace her, to tell her it didn’t matter. She didn’t have to share what she didn’t want to. I was beginning to understand why she hadn’t told us the details of her past. It took so much courage for her to share with us, but it also took courage to listen, to let her explain and relive these things in front of us, to see her in pain.

“When he would touch me or…” She paused, a half shrug filling in the word she didn’t want to say. “Sometimes it felt good.” She rubbed at her arms, scrubbing at them as if she could wash the confession she’d spoken from her skin. “Physically, I mean. And emotionally.” The words tumbled out, fast and bitter. “I wasn’t used to being the focus of someone’s attention, to being told I was attractive. That, in and of itself, felt good at times. Then my body would respond…” Disgust twisted her pretty features as her nails dug into her biceps, scraping away at the skin there.

“Nix,” Theo interrupted softly before I could. “Sweetheart, that’s normal. It’s biological. There is nothing you could have done to stop that reaction. It didn’t mean you wanted him.”

“He told me it did,” she whispered, heedless of the blood that now welled around the edges of her nails. “He taunted me with it. It felt like, if I could have turned that part off, maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself. Wouldn’t feel so dirty. He betrayed me, but my body did too. It all fed into itself, just making the loop bigger. It was bad enough that I was hurt and betrayed by someone else, but how do you forgive being hurt and betrayed by yourself?”

“The same way you forgave Theo for what he went through. The same way you told Damien that it’s okay for him to feel the way he does,” I told her. “You couldn’t have stopped your response—your body was protecting itself. Just like Theo’s was protecting him when he went into shock and couldn’t find his way home. The way Damien’s was when he was filled with relief that none of us were hurt. The way I was when I got hard when Ahmya used her powers on me, even though I didn’t want her near me.”

Nix’s wide eyes met mine, reading the darkness in my gaze.

“The guys prevented her from keeping me as a mate, Nix, but they didn’t stop her from abusing me. She made my body do what she wanted, knowing full well I couldn’t stand her. She felt she had that right because I’d been interested at first. I was young. Stupid. Part of me hoped that if I managed to produce fire or celestial kitsunes as my children, then I’d be accepted back by my family. Honor means everything to us, and I had destroyed it. I believed I had to find some way to rectify it. Ahmya knew that, which was why she came on to me, trying to lure me into her web. I doubt she ever would have actually mated with me, since her sights were always set higher than that. But having children with me? That idea she approved of. It wasn’t me who mattered to her, it was my surname, the potential my genes had with hers. When I realized that, when I told her I wanted a mate, not someone who was going to use me, she turned on me. Nix, I’ve been into BDSM since I was old enough to know what my own desires are. I trusted Ahmya, foolishly, mind you. But a kitsune who didn’t look down on me? Who paid attention to me, acted like they truly wanted me? I understand what that can do to you. When Ahmya asked about my preferences in bed, I told her. It was only fair, I wouldn’t push her into a relationship if she didn’t like the same things I did. Instead, she used it against me. She told me she’d tell her father about my