paint the cartel or the trauma I had from that time of my life. Sometimes I paint old memories of French countryside. Sometimes I paint sunflowers and they're so bright and cheerful that my heart can’t help but swell in my chest with that bittersweet joy that comes from looking at them.
Sometimes I need to be reminded that the world outside this apartment still exists and even though it has not treated me well, there is joy there and beauty and all of the things that makes life worth living for.
Most of the time, I remember that I have mon Monstre and he will always be my reason.
The amount I'm spending on art supplies starts to make me feel guilty, knowing that mon Monstre isn't taking on jobs at the moment because he's too busy trying to finish his list, so I start looking into what I can do to slow down how much I have to buy.
I stumble on a website where I can upload my art and sell it. Not just the originals, but prints of them as well. Pillows, blankets, mugs, sweaters, my art could go on anything I want to be sold to people out in the world.
I don't expect much, but I begin to focus on painting pretty things in my down time. I don't make a fortune, but after a month of uploading things I'm able to start buying my own canvases and supplies. My sunflowers begin to take off and I buy myself my own computer and a drawing pad for digital art. It's not my favorite way of doing things, oils will always be my greatest love, but it's for to play around with.
A few weeks later, I'm able to switch over to using my own money entirely. The feeling I get from owning things and not relying on anyone else, even mon Monstre who has never withheld anything from me, is intoxicating and powerful.
I am standing on my own two feet for the first time in my life.
I'm finally free and yet I want nothing to change about my life. Nothing but the list to be finished with and for mon Monstre and I to be able to start a family.
One night I finish the painting of violets and oleander flowers and come back to my senses to find Illi sitting on the couch waiting for me. He's already showered and back into clean clothes and there's dinner, already laid out on the table, a bottle of wine open and waiting for us both. My hand shakes as I put down the paintbrush and I wipe my hands down the legs of my sweatpants.
"You back, baby? Come eat."
I nod and lean down to kiss him, our tongues dancing together like an erotic dance. I duck off to the bathroom to wash up and pull on one of the new sweaters I have. He isn't dressed for bed yet and I want to look nice for him.
He smiles at me like I'm the sun when I walk back out.
When I sit beside him at the table I can see the first rays of morning sunlight beginning to shine across the water outside of my favorite window. Gulls are calling out and the sight of it all is still my most treasured thing about the apartment.
"Are you happy, baby girl?" Illi murmurs as he hands me a glass of the pinot and I smile at him.
"I've never been so happy, mon Monstre. I've never loved my life like this before."
He grins, a big wide showing of his perfectly sharp teeth and I shiver, remembering what they feel like pressed into the soft skin of my thighs.
"I want you to stay here with me forever baby girl. I don't want you having your father's name anymore. You're mine, I want everyone to know that too."
I frown. It sounds like he's proposing to me but I can't imagine him being the marriage type.
Then he pulls out a ring.
God help me, it's the most beautiful ring I've ever seen. A big rock in the centre of a platinum setting, the deep dark blue is stunning.
"I thought about taking you somewhere to do this but I know what this place means to you. Marry me, baby girl."
My words dry up in my throat, tears filling my eyes and all I'm able to do is nod. He chuckles at me, taking my hand and sliding the most beautiful ring I've ever seen onto my finger. It fits perfectly