desperately want to…
‘Here,’ Flo says gently, passing me some kitchen roll.
‘Thank you.’ I blow my nose noisily.
‘Sorry to be so bloody insensitive.’
‘You weren’t. And you’re right. I should be moving on by now.’
She takes both my arms. ‘Hey, listen, you. There’s no time limit on grieving. You just need to work your way through it, however long that takes. You’re doing brilliantly, Jenny. And I know you don’t want to talk about that day, but I’m always here if you ever change your mind, okay?’
I nod, a huge lump in my throat, and she pulls me into a hug. Tears leak out at the feel of her comforting arms around me. It’s been a long time since anyone hugged me.
I’ve never been more tempted than I am right now to just tell her everything, leaving no detail out. Flo has become such a good friend in the short time we’ve been working together. But I’ve got to stay strong and keep it all in. Because if I were to start talking about that day, I might never be able to stop, and then Tavie would find out. And I can’t risk that…
‘Sorry,’ I mumble, pulling away. ‘I’m spoiling your lovely white shirt.’
‘Don’t care. Spoil away! It’s my own fault for letting the washing pile up at home and being reduced to wearing my best clothes to cook in.’ She grins. ‘Be warned. I’ll probably be serving dinner in my evening dress and tiara tomorrow!’
I laugh. ‘Do you actually have an evening dress?’
‘No, but I like the idea of it.’
I nod, thinking of the half dozen cocktail dresses in my wardrobe that I’ll probably never wear again.
I used to get dressed up to attend charity balls with Harvey, as well as his company’s grand Christmas party, held every year in the impossibly elegant surroundings of the Dorchester Hotel. To be truthful, I dreaded every one of those very formal occasions, chatting to Harvey’s colleagues in the company and doing my best to sound like I fitted in. I just wanted to do Harvey proud. But there were far too many cringy moments when they’d be talking about share prices and volatile markets, and I’d be nodding my head practically off my neck, trying to look as if I understood it all. But I did it because I loved him…
The dresses Harvey bought me are so gorgeous and it’s such a waste. I suppose I should give them to a charity shop or sell them on eBay and give the funds to a heart charity. It’s just that I don’t want to upset Tavie. She’s so sharp. She never seems to miss a thing. And if she knew I was trying to get rid of reminders of her dad, she could easily blow her top – like she did the time she found me putting Harvey’s suits into a black bin bag, ready to take to the charity shop. I’d spent three months trying to ignore them, but one morning I woke up and realised I finally had the strength to let them go.
My heart clenches, remembering Tavie’s fierce reaction.
‘You’re already getting rid of his clothes? How can you be so heartless?’ Blue eyes flashing angrily, she grabbed the navy jacket I was holding and pressed it to her. Watching her trying to breathe in any lingering memory of her dad made my heart ache for her. Then she threw the jacket down on the bed. ‘But hey, what do I matter? Why should you think about how I’m feeling? It’s all about you, isn’t it? You decide who can go to the funeral. You decide we should throw away his clothes. But he was my dad, Jenny! He was the most wonderful, perfect dad in the whole world and I hate the way you’re being so practical about everything. Are you even sad that he’s gone?’
I stared at her in horror. ‘Of course I’m sad, Tavie. I’m devastated. I’m just trying to be practical.’ I paused. ‘We can…keep your dad’s clothes in the wardrobe for a bit longer – if that’s what you’d like to do?’
‘No. Get rid of them. That’s what you want to do, isn’t it?’ And she stomped out.
I sank down on the bed before my legs gave way. It was no use going after her when she was this angry. I’d talk to her later when she’d calmed down a little. But right then, my heart felt as heavy as a lump of granite in my chest…
Now,