of lips, not open mouth, no tongue, chaste. Ill behave if you insist.
I insist.
The extra touching made you feel better, too, Anita. I could sense it in the way your hand felt, the way your body smelled less like prey. Seriously, why not have sex? Why not feel better?
I frowned at him, because I realized he really was serious. One, the pilot might walk in on us. Two, were on a plane, Jason, I couldnt possibly. Im too freaked.
Can we have sex when we land?
I frowned harder. You mean when we touch down?
No, hotel, I guess.
I wasnt offended anymore, I was too puzzled. He wasnt teasing. He was dead serious. It wasnt like him. Wont you want to go to the hospital or your old house before we get all messy?
He smiled, but it left his eyes worried. I dont want to go to the hospital. I dont want to go to the house. I dont want to do any of it.
I held his hand tight, not because of my fear, but because of the pain in his voice. Strangely, worrying about him helped me be less afraid about where we were. Who knew therapy for someone else was the answer all along to my own fears?
I dont think having sex is going to make this visit easier.
He smiled then, and a look ran through his eyes so quick I almost didnt catch it. But it was similar to a look that Nathaniel had, so I knew it, all too well. It was a look that said I was nave. Jason was years younger than me, and he hadnt had all the bad experiences that Nathaniel had had, but hed had his share.
I am not being nave, I said.
You read me that fast?
Nathaniel has a look pretty close to it, I said.
Of course, it couldnt just be me you knew that well. He sounded bitter.
I began to worry that I was in a much different problem than I thought with this favor. Whats that supposed to mean? I asked.
I want someone to want me the way you want Nathaniel. I want someone to love me the way you love the men in your life.
Perdy loved you that way, I said. Was it mean to say that, or just true?
He gave me an unfriendly look. Are you trying to be mean?
I took a deep breath, let it out slow, and tried to be honest, but not mean. I am on a plane, which means I am not at my best. Let me try this: youve told me before that you want to be consumed by romance, by love. You want to burn with it. Since I spent years fighting against anyone who wanted to love me like that, I dont quite get why that is your goal, but you say it is, so it is.
What am I supposed to say now, Anita? That I threw away someone who wanted to consume me with her love? I guess I did.
I shook my head and tried one more time. No, I dont mean that. I mean Perdys idea of love and your idea of love arent the same. You want to be consumed, not smothered. A fire needs air to burn bright. She took your air away, and the fire died.
He studied my face. That was actually smart.
Gee, Jason, thanks, you sound surprised.
He smiled. I dont mean that. I mean, that makes sense, that makes me feel less stupid about not wanting Perdy to love me. I do this big thing about wanting someone to be obsessed with me. I get it and I dont want it. I thought I was being fickle.
Obsession isnt love, Jason. Its possession.
I want to belong to someone, Anita.
But you want closer to what Nathaniel has, than a traditional marriage.
You mean I want to belong but not be monogamous.
I shrugged. Technically, Nathaniel is monogamous. He doesnt have sex with anyone but me.
Jason grinned, blue eyes shining. He so has sexual contact with other people.
Hes a stripper. Sexualized contact with other people is part of the job description.
I didnt say sexualized. I said sexual. At our jobs we cut it pretty fine, but actual sex is illegal.
I closed my eyes, but that made the purr of the engines seem louder. I opened my eyes wide and tried to think of what Id been saying. What do you mean then?
He gave me another of those looks that said I was being either nave or obtuse. Since I wasnt being either