marks? Richard said.
Yeah, but when I fed off your anger, he shielded. He wasnt sure how to digest anger. I think the phone will be safer.
Youre afraid whatever is happening will leak onto Jean-Claude, Richard said.
Yes. I had enough clothes to make me happy. Now I just needed to change. If it had just been Richard, I might have simply gotten dressed, but I didnt want to dress in front of Jamil and Shang-Da. I know it sounds weird. I mean I was naked in front of them, and they were cool about it. So why was getting dressed more intimate? I dont know, it just was. I dont like men who are not my boyfriends watching me put on clothes. Theres always a moment when they let you know with their eyes that they are watching, and not in a completely neutral manner. Or maybe not, maybe its just my hang-up, but regardless, I wanted privacy.
Why go into the bathroom to dress? Richard said.
Either I go into the bathroom, or Jamil and Shang-Da go into the hallway.
Youre already naked, Anita, Jamil said, we cant see more.
I shrugged. Humor me.
The men all exchanged glances, and then Jamil said, Do you want us in the hallway, or her in the bathroom?
I dont want her alone with Jason in the shower.
I might have protested that, but we all have our weakness. Seeing an attractive man all wet was one of mine.
Jamil went for the door, and Shang-Da trailed him. No one argued. The door shut behind them, and we were suddenly alone. The silence was thicker than it should have been.
I glanced at him, and there was that look in his eyes. That look that was very Richard. He was such a Boy Scout most of the time, such a good son, a good boy, a good teacher, a good man. Then, sometimes when we were alone, hed look at me with those dark eyes. That one look that said underneath all the goodness was someone who liked to be bad. Someone who understood the darkness in me, as well as the light. If he hadnt hated the darkness in his own soul so terribly much, I could have loved him forever. But you cant love someone who hates himself so much, and hates you for loving the parts of himself thaTHE hates the most. Its too complicated a dance to ever win.
I ignored that dark look, and tried my best to pretend he wasnt there. I actually turned my back on him to dress. It worked for a while, and then I felt him behind me, close behind me.
I turned in time to keep his outstretched hand from touching me. I had jeans on, and a bra, but the shirt was still on the bed with my gun.
Anita, he said.
Richard, dont.
Dont what? he asked.
I closed my eyes so I couldnt see him. That always made it a little easier to turn away. When you touched me earlier, it was like magic. If it hadnt hurt, or Crispin hadnt pulled me away, I would have let you do anything. Its not real. Its some metaphysical problem.
How can you say that? he said, and his voice was closer. He moved so close that I could feel the heat of his body against my bare skin. It wasnt his otherworldly energy I was sensing. It was just him.
I stepped back, eyes still closed, and nearly knocked the bedside lamp over. We both grabbed for it, and it put his body next to mine. His hand over mine around the lamp. We had one of those frozen, awkward moments.
I looked up at him, and he was so close, too close. He bent in to close that distance and kiss me. I threw myself backward onto the floor, knocking the trash can over, as I crab-walked back until my back hit the bathroom door hard.
Richard, please, please, dont you feel that somethings wrong? Were always attracted to each other, but not like this.
I think if I touch you now, that youll just say yes.
Exactly, I said.
I want you to say yes.
Yes to what, Richard?
Everything, he said.
So now that you have enough metaphysical abilities to roll me, youll just do it. Youll roll over my free will and just make me into your little pet?
He frowned. Its not like that, Anita. Im not making you feel things you dont feel. The emotions are real.
Maybe, but they arent the only emotions Im feeling. Youre trying to take away