want to be without you, Deven. I would like to think that if I leave, you’ll come with me. We can still do what we’re doing now.”
“And if I can’t or don’t want to go, will you stay?”
He tears his eyes from mine, looking at his plate as he thinks it over. After a moment, he looks back up, but I can see it written on his face. He shrugs. “I don’t know,” he admits, shaking his head slightly.
Pain strikes me in my chest and starts swirling around inside of me, turning to anger. “So, I’m important enough to drag around with you but not important enough to stick around for?”
His mouth drops open as his eyes widen. “I didn’t say that.”
“That’s what you implied though, isn’t it?”
“Deven, I—”
“What?” I ask, cutting him off as my anger boils beneath the surface. Destiny was right. This could never work between us if we’re not allowed to be who we are, and we can’t be who we are if we’re always hiding. I want to know what it’s like to fall asleep beside him, to wake up being held to his chest. I want to be able to plan our future, not wonder whether or not we’re going to be allowed to kiss in our own apartment or walk outside holding hands. I want to know that everything will be okay and that things will work out with the two of us. If he can’t give me that, what are we even doing here?
He takes a deep calming breath and trains his eyes on mine. “I wish I had all the answers right now, I do. But you have to understand that things like this take time. Why the sudden rush to figure everything out right now?”
I toss my napkin down on the table and shake my head, no longer hungry. I push my chair back, needing to be able to move, to think, to put some distance between us because lately, that line has become really blurred.
“I…I don’t know, Hudson. All I know is that I need to know where we’re going, that everything will work out, that I won’t lose you or Brad. I need a little bit of security here. Is that too much to ask?”
He stands up and takes a step toward me. I step back, placing my back against the counter. “It’s not too much to ask, Deven. Not from a normal relationship,” he says, shaking his head.
“But we’re not normal, are we?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest and tilting my head as I watch him.
“What do you want form me, Deven?” He holds his arms out at his side.
“I want you to tell Brad what’s going on between us. I mean, yeah, he’ll probably be mad, but he’ll get over it. If you don’t want to tell him, I can.” I point at my chest.
He shakes his head. “I’m sorry, but I’m not ready for that. We’re not ready for that.”
“What will make us ready, huh?”
He takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. “We need to know that things will work out between us. There’s no sense in ruining my friendship and your relationship with Brad over something that may not work.”
“And how do we know if it’ll work?” I look at him. “Oh, that’s right. We have to be a normal couple!”
I turn to leave, tired of the conversation already. He needs to know that we can be normal, so we can see where we’re going. Right now, all we’re doing is stumbling around in the dark. We’ll never find our way out, not without the light of day.
He catches my hand and pulls me to his chest, his lips finding mine. He kisses me hard, full of passion and love. I can feel it. Why can’t he?
His hands start on my hips, holding and squeezing so tight that I’m sure I’ll have bruises. He’s holding me like he’s afraid to let go, like he’ll lose me. Shouldn’t all this tell him something? If he’s scared to lose me, then we need to be together, not hiding.
He picks me up against him and I don’t fight it. I can’t. I’m not strong enough. A part of me knows that this is our last time together. I want to enjoy it. But I also wonder if he’s using this as a way to distract me. Is he hoping that we can just screw our brains out some more and