guys are having an argument. One guy says that environment is the most crucial factor in social distinction. The other guy scoffs at him, claiming that heredity is far more relevant. They go back and forth for a bit until they finally decide to make a bet for ten grand.
“Environment Guy bets that he can take any man and turn him into a gentleman after three months of proper environment. Heredity Guy is hesitant to take the bet, because back then ten grand was a shit load of money, right?”
Arty looked at both Patrick and Amy as if they might actually answer him.
“So, Heredity Guy asks to make the bet for three men instead of one. You know, to make the bet a bit more fair. Environment Guy accepts, and of course we know who those three men are gonna be right?”
He looked at the couple again, a silly grin on his face, then back to the show in his head.
“So The Boys are exposed to all this fancy, ritzy crap for three months. They’re learning to eat properly, speak properly, dance properly. Everything.
“The final scene is at this big dinner party with all these snooty rich folks. The Boys have to pass the final test by making their big debut into high-society; to prove they’re changed men so Environment Guy can win his bet.” Arty paused. “So what do you think happens?” A keen smile teased his face before finally erupting into a cheer.
“They blow it of course! They start breaking shit, slapping each other, just flat-out doing what they do best.”
Both Arty and Jim were laughing now, hands periodically going to their mouths to keep the noise at bay. Arty continued.
“So Environment Guy admits he lost and hands Heredity Guy a check for ten grand, but…as soon as Environment Guy hands over the check to Heredity Guy, all hell breaks loose at the party. It seems The Boys made quite an impression on all the proper people in attendance. The boys’ violence towards one another became contagious, and soon people are slapping faces, poking eyes, bonking heads, and loving every single second of it.
“The snobby pricks who were born into their perfect little environment only needed a whiff of violent behavior from The Boys for them to go completely ape-shit, and start mimicking that violent behavior by beating the hell out of each other. It’s funny; its slapstick; but that final scene tends to shadow the true message that everyone seems to miss…”
A deliberate pause.
“There was no true winner! While the Stooges’ heredity may have been too steeped in ignorance to be changed by environment, their primitive acts of carnage were enticing enough to make even the snootiest of dinner guests resort to naughty behavior! Who would have thought a fucking Three Stooges episode would carry such a message?”
Both Arty and Jim were laughing hard again, hands mashed over their mouths.
“And here we are now,” Arty continued. “Seventy years later and there’s still no definitive answer on the subject. One argument will hold true to the environment theory I just mentioned. That’s nurture. Bad people are made from bad parenting; bad environment. Parents who fucked them, beat them, or just plain neglected them; sent them off to fend for themselves in a cruel world. And trust me, there’s a shit load of studies to support those theories.”
Arty took a deep breath, exhaled and continued.
“So just when it starts to make sense, and you’re thinking, Yeah, that seems pretty logical, some other hotshot will come along and make a damn good case for the heredity factor. Nature. Serial Killer Stanley’s father was a fucking whack-job, the father’s father was a fucking whack-job, and his father’s father was a fucking whack-job…” Arty spiraled both hands around as if trying to hurry up his own story.
“And even though Serial Killer Stanley may have been raised by good-old-loving mom—and whack-job dad was out of the picture from day one—the kid still has daddy’s naughty genes, which explains why little Stanley used to like to torture animals and start fires when he was an aspiring psycho.
“And of course more case studies would follow to support this theory, making you go, ‘Hmmmmm…that makes damn good sense too.’”
Arty then jumped to his feet, suddenly and remarkably excited.
“And when I stopped and took all of this in—the countless case studies; the countless theories; the fact that there is no definitive answer—and I digested it, it made me feel like my brother and I were so…special. We