know that I care. Not that it matters, coming from a soulless monster.” That truth feels casual. Comfortable. I have never been anything better than I am right now, but I’ll be worse one day. Guaranteed. Bethany’s eyes lock on mine, pools of darkness against the strobe lights. She’s a fucking siren, drawing me off the edge of the ship. I could drown in the way she rolls her hips. Maybe I will, one day when she’s not a one-way ticket to prison.
“Would it be so bad?” Her body moves against mine. The dance becomes sinuous and dark. “If they knew?”
“It would be fucking terrible if anyone knew.” My heart thrashes against its bounds. “Getting close to people is a setup.” It’s an irony, because there’s nothing separating us but sweat-slick clothes. It’s a thousand degrees in here. A million. “You’re a sucker if you think they’ll do anything but leave you behind.” Bethany rocks to one side, pulling us toward the edge of the crowd. On instinct I throw my weight back, keeping her here. But it only takes one lithe step for her to make her argument.
“I need some air,” she says over the crushing bass. She doesn’t lose contact with me all the way out to the alley. Outside, the dance doesn’t stop. I can still feel the music under her skin. Bethany’s eyes search mine. “Is that why you’re buddy-buddy with my brother, then? Because you think he’ll keep you around?”
My entire body bristles. “No,” I growl. “Because when he finally gets what’s coming to him, I won’t give a fuck.” I’ve said too much. She tenses beneath my hands. My muscles react for me, and I back her against the wall of the alley. There’s the delicate line of her throat again, her pulse fluttering underneath. Exposed. One brush of my lips against her skin has Bethany panting.
“He’s not all bad,” she breathes. “You don’t have to say things like that.” Tension sings in her voice, but she doesn’t push me away.
“Is that what you give a fuck about, sweetheart? Your brother?”
Her fists curl into my shirt. Starlight echoes in her eyes. “He’s my brother. You care about your brothers. We’re the same.”
We’re not the same. We’re fucking not. She might have a preternatural grace and old understanding in her eyes, but she’s as naive as they come. My nerves feel like live wires, exposed to the air and her touch. But no matter how raw they get, this will only ever be a false closeness. I can never, never let her in. Her or anybody else. The risks are too high. They’ll always be too high. “We’re not the same.”
I can’t let go of her. The cool night air swirls around us, making the hairs on the backs of my arms rise. One of her hands curls around my wrist. She holds tight to the bone. “I know what you need, Josh.”
I can’t say it out loud. I can only take it.
This time, when she kisses me back, it’s hot and brave. It lands like a cannonball at the center of my soul. I pretend with all my might that there’s something left for Bethany to destroy, but I’m already rubble.
Bethany, present time
The sound of running water infiltrates my dream. It takes a period of time to realize that the water doesn’t fit with the dream. I’m sitting in my high school math class, trying to get the numbers on the page in front of me to make sense. The whoosh of a shower, complete with the irregular splashes that suggest a person washing their hair, has nothing to do with an algebra test.
As soon as that thought is fully formed, the dream dissolves and I’m squarely back in the center of reality. Also known as Joshua North’s personal bedroom. And his personal bed. I grab for the covers and pull them up to my neck. But…I’m fully clothed. Of course I am. He’s made it abundantly clear that intimacy is not part of the deal.
Not that I expected intimacy from him. We stumbled into its gates on the first night, and he dragged us out and slammed them shut. I don’t want that with him, anyway. I don’t want any of this. Not the threatening letters. Not Landon’s condescending treatment. He dismissed my opinions about this security team completely, and now look where it’s gotten me.
In Josh’s master suite, listening to him shower.
Unless a true apocalypse has happened, there can only be one