American Hero - George R. R. Martin Page 0,7

though, is that we’ve got a bunch of losers, too. Toad Man? I mean, come on. Holy Roller? I mean, nothing against the handicapped and all, but we’ve got a freaking priest on wheels here. And Diver? Don’t get me wrong, she’s hot. But she’s got an ace power you can do the same thing as with some scuba gear. I think if a nat can pay a few bucks and do the same damn thing you can, you’re a deuce. No offense, but come on. There’s no way I’m getting voted off if she’s still around.

Now, you look at me. I’m serious box office, you know? I drew the wild card young. I was in like second grade. There was an outbreak at summer camp. It really sucked, because like forty kids died. I just got this really bad fever. Doctors thought maybe I got away with it, you know? So I go into third grade and I figure out I can make a guy sneeze just by looking at him. I mean really sneeze. Can’t stand up, face turning red, about to have a stroke kind of sneeze. Or hiccups. I can do those, too. My fourth-grade teacher, Mr. Zucker? Every time I got bored in class, I’d just look at him, and he’d start hiccing up so hard he couldn’t talk. He’d have to play a movie. He was the one who got me the guidance and help I really needed. If you’re out there, Mr. Z, you rock. I haven’t forgotten about you.

I didn’t figure out about the other thing until high school. This is a family show, though, right? So we probably don’t want to go into that. Let’s just say, I always get a second date, you know what I mean? Always.

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah. That’s box office. Who wouldn’t pay good money to see the Harlem Hammer sneezing so hard it tears up the grass? Or we’re up against some serious-as-[bleep] fighting ace, and all of a sudden he’s having this screaming O? I mean, that’s great stuff.

The thing is, it’s all about confidence. That’s one of the things that being an ace really taught me. I always knew that it wasn’t about just being able to do something other people can’t. That’s a trap. It’s about knowing in your core that you’re gonna win. Looking into the mirror in the morning and telling yourself, “Hell, yes, she’ll go out with me.” Or whatever.

Heh.

I may be a little drunk right now.

I wasn’t even really going to try out for this at the start. The tryout announcement came, and one of the guys in my house dared me to go in. He even filled out all the forms. That’s where I got my ace name. Spasm. All the guys in Sigma Chi call me that. Or Spaz. It’s not really an ace/nat thing, because they’ve all got nicknames too. Eek and Bone Man and Stinky. I kind of wish it wasn’t what they were calling me on the show, because it kind of gives people the wrong impression. Like I’m some kind of social retard or something. A nickname like that’s a brotherhood thing, you know? Like how black guys can call each other the n-word, and it’s okay.

It’ll be all right, though. I’m still going to win, no matter what they call me. Names aren’t that important. It’s what you can do. And man, that million bucks? That’s a hell of a lot of capital. I’m just about to graduate, and that kind of money is all I need to set myself up. I’m thinking I’ll buy a cell phone store, hire a couple real hotties to do the sales, and then just kick back in my office with my Xbox. Two or three stores like that in the right market, and I’ll be like the Hooters of cell phones. It’s going to sell itself, and I’ll just rake in the cash. Gonna be sweet.

Small business entrepreneurs and girls in tight T-shirts. It’s the American dream, baby.

Confessional: Joe Moritz aka Joe Twitch

I don’t like small rooms or cameras in my face, so why put me here? Small spaces slow me down, and cameras . . . well, there are some people who are ugly and don’t know it. I’m not one of those. If I were, I wouldn’t live in Jokertown. People only look at me to feel better about how they look.

I’m Joe. I’ve been a lot of places in my